Roast Duck
by
J.R.Atwood
Contact details:
Email: greenpaddocks@gmail.com
website: Index
UniteD States Copyright Office Registration: PAu 2-454-290 (Jan 4th 2000)
The author asserts his full moral rights in relation to this publication.
A hand, with a pink glove on it, plunges a dirty pot into a sink. Underwater we see the pot being scrubbed with a steal wool. It rises to the surface again, kind of clean. Attached to the hand is WAYNE Johns, a man in his mid to late twenties. He is in the middle of a huge pile of pots, pans and dishes. Steam rises from the dishwashing machine as WAYNE sneezes into his hand, he looks around then wipes the contents on a tea towel. A waiter runs in and grabs the tea towel and some meals and takes them out into a small restaurant, he comes back in moments later and pulls out a pouch of tobacco.
waiter
We need some balls on four.
chef
Unless they want mine, they’ll have to wait.
WAITER rolls a cigarette and lights up as CHEF pulls out some raw mince meat balls from the fridge and starts throwing them in a pan. He drops a few but just picks them up off the ground and ads them to the dish.
waiter
Do you think people want to touch your testicles?
chef
I think you want to.
WAYNE looks out into the busy restaurant and notices a young curvaceous woman, DANSKA. She is approaching a French man, JEAN, who is sitting by himself. The CHEF notices WAYNE looking and takes a peek around the corner himself.
chef
Oh, very nice. We got the lettuce and the tomatoes there.
CHEF watches DANSKA’S breasts as they gently bounce up and down.
chef
Poetry in motion.
CHEF throws a very sharp knife at WAYNE, he dodges it then catches it as it touches a plastic barrel which has green liquid inside and a skull and cross bones on it and reads: CAUTION AVOID CONTACT WITH EYES, SKIN AND ALL LIVING THINGS. The plastic barrel starts leaking just a little bit, just the tiniest of drops, it drops down into a shoe box, before WAYNE notices and moves it, wiping the substance off at the same time.
wayne
Shit.
chef
Wash that would you?
waiter
Do you guys ever think that you might hurt each other doing things like that?
chef
There’s two types of people in a kitchen my friend. Those with knives in their hands, and those with knives in their heads.
WAYNE quickly cleans the knife and throws it back, CHEF, without even looking around catches it. He inspects it and sees his own reflection in the blade. Another waiter frantically comes into the kitchen, he is Scottish.
scottish waiter
Danska wants a low-fat free-range Caesar salad!
chef
Low-fat? Free-range? Are you talking to me?
scottish waiter
I told her we had some healthy tennis player type of things on the menu. I didne know what to do, she had these huge boobs sticking out in front of her aye, and she gave me this little smile aye, and flickered her eyelashes!
The other WAITER slaps him in the face.
waiter
How many times have I told you not to listen to the customers.
CHEF looks at WAYNE.
chef
Wayne, chuck a bit of lettuce in a bowl would you.
WAYNE, still with his pink gloves on, whips up a salad and hands it to SCOTTISH WAITER, who runs out with it. CHEF serves up a piece of fish, which SCOTTISH WAITER then comes back for (still with the salad in his hands).
We follow SCOTTISH WAITER into the restaurant…
DANSKA sits opposite the Frenchman, JEAN. SCOTTISH WAITER brings out the salad and places it in front of her.
DANSKA
No fat. No?
SCOTTISH WAITER, covers his groin with his waiter's tray.
scottish waiter
Fat? Oh, the lettuce. Nay.
SCOTTISH WAITER takes some finished plates to the kitchen, still trying to cover his groin. We stay with the couple at the table.
jean
You know Mary and I are just good friends at the moment.
DANSKA
Really? I thought you were getting married.
jean
You hear that from the media. You can't trust those scum. Last week they said I shot at a ball boy in Milano.
DANSKA
But you did shoot at him.
jean
Yes, I did, but they still exaggerated the whole thing. (pause) Danska, I only 'ave eyes for you. When I look at you, my heart goes pounding in my chest. I can't think of nothing else.
danska
Really?
jean
How can a man resist when the bird of love comes and whispers in his ears.
DANSKA begins to eat her salad. She glances into JEAN's eyes with lust. She places a piece of lettuce in her mouth, smiles, then begins choking. She splutters pieces of half chewed lettuce onto JEAN's face. JEAN wipes the lettuce from his face as DANSKA starts choking.
jean
What's wrong?
DANSKA keeps choking, JEAN races behind her and slaps her on her back. She spits out something onto the table.
WAYNE is again lost in his dreams and his dishes. The MAITRE D' comes up to him holding a piece of wire (steel wool used for cleaning pots) in his hand.
maitre d'
You know where I found this?
WAYNE stops washing his pots and holds up a steel wool of the same type that is being shown to him.
wayne
Is that a rhetorical question?
maitre d'
(pause) I found it in Danska's salad.
wayne
So, what's one thing got to do with the other?.
maitre d'
I have had enough of your bohemian drug taking attitudes.
wayne
My what the attitudes?
maitre d'
You haven't got what it takes to make it in this business, you better just go back to taking ecstacy or whatever you hipsters do nowadays, because if you don't care about customers eating bits of wire (he holds the wire up again shaking with rage) then I can't help you.
wayne
So, bits of wire fall into things, that's life man.
maitre'd
You're fired.
He turns back to look at DANSKA, bowing apologetically . He turns back to WAYNE.
wayne
You're kidding right?
maitre'd
I don't kid when it comes to customer service, please clean out your locker immediately.
WAYNE looks into the restaurant as JEAN comforts a distraught DANSKA.
wayne
You know, one day I might become famous, then you'll have kiss my arse.
maitre'd
I very much doubt that Wayne, I very much doubt it.
WAYNE pulls off his pink gloves, places them on a bench. He picks up a shoe box and walks out the back door.
wayne
Well you just wait and see mate.
maitre'd
Chef, call the agency and get another dishwasher.
CHEF continues to stare at DANSKA and JEAN. SCOTTISH WAITER comes back into the kitchen with a plate of snails which are still moving, he holds them up to CHEF.
SCOTTISH WAITER
I got a complaint from table four, they say the snails are a little under done.
The MAITRE'D looks at CHEF in horror as the snails slowly slide around the plate, moving around on the garlic sauce.
chef
I know. The peasants in here wouldn't know what fine cuisine is.
JEAN leads DANSKA out of the restaurant as MAITRE'D reaches over to attack CHEF with a knife.
It starts to rain, WAYNE walks along getting wet, making sure to cover his shoe box, he looks up to the heavens.
wayne
I guess you think this whole thing's a bloody big joke.
An old WINO looks up from the gutter holding a bottle of sherry.
wino
Yes.
The WINO laughs and continues to laugh as WAYNE walks past a railway station, still alive with activity, and up towards Chinatown. The railway's clock strikes 11 p.m. as an ambulance races past him.
WAYNE enters an apartment in Chinatown.
WAYNE enters a lift and presses to go to the forth floor.
Wayne gets out of the lift and walks to a door, he opens the door and a soccer ball bounces near his head, he enters the apartment. Behind the soccer ball there is a lively party with dozens of people dancing to loud popular techno music. WAYNE's flatmate, GIZZ DILDE, a gay man in his early thirties, greets him — rather intoxicated and dressed in a red devil's outfit.
gizz
Oh hi Wayne. We're having a little cast party.
wayne
Great.
A GUEST runs past WAYNE, nearly knocking him over, and gets the soccer ball.
gizz
Come on camper, cheer up, have some fun.
The GUEST walks past the two.
guest
Let's do some damage!
WAYNE looks at GIZZ.
gizz
He probably doesn't mean that in a bad way.
The soccer ball hits a television and smashes the screen.
gizz
Anyway, can't stay… so I'll catch you later.
GIZZ runs off firing off "hi's" and "how are you's?" to everyone he meets, a whole group of people dressed in European soccer jerseys run past after the ball, singing in foreign accents.
soccer hooligans
We're going home in the back of a divvy van!!
WAYNE goes to his room with his shoe box and shuts the door.
WAYNE carefully opens his shoe box and holds a small bird, a budgerigar. There are two cages, one with birds in it and one without birds in it.
wayne
You okay now budgie?
He puts the bird in its cage by itself, then pulls out a little music box and opens it, it plays some music.
wayne
Time for bed now fellas.
WAYNE leaves the room, turning on a little teddy bear table lamp and turning off the main light as he goes. The bird stares out into the room as the music box plays. A lightning strike illuminates the room, showing BUDGIE sitting on his perch, his eyes glowing green.
The flat now looks like a bomb has hit it, many of the guests have gone home, and a few more make to leave. There are still 20 or so people remaining, a couple of guys slowly pass the soccer ball to each other. RICHARD, a man in his thirties, and EVA, a tall blonde, sit either side of WAYNE on a couch drinking beers.
RICHARD
So what do you do Wayne?
wayne
I'm unemployed.
eva
Don't be so hard on yourself.
wayne
I'm not being hard on myself, I just don't have a job.
RICHARD
I always love it when actors say that. We don't need society's shackles chaining us to some definition of who we should be.
wayne
I'm not an actor…
eva
You've got to fight them Wayne! Stare them in the face and tell them: I do have a job. I am a performer. My body is my work!
WAYNE bends over and whispers to GIZZ, who is behind the couch with an Asian guy.
wayne
Gizz, your friends are talking arty-farty talk to me again.
GIZZ gets up and zips his trousers up.
gizz
Don't confuse Wayne, he's from the country you know.
Wayne walks away from RICHARD and EVA, he goes over to where the alcohol is and grabs himself a beer. He sits down in a corner of the room and sulks. A young woman, ZERA, approaches him — she looks quite out of it and has a tampon stuck to the side of her face, as well as some cigarette butts and other rubbish. She is very jittery. She holds out a sheet of LSD with little Lumberjack icons on it.
Zera
You want to try some Lumberjacks, they're from Canada?
wayne
I don't really take drugs.
ZERA starts chewing her nails and looking around the room.
Zera
Neither do I. So what's your star sign?
wayne
Sagittarian.
ZERA pulls out a cigarette and starts to smoke it. The soccer ball hits ZERA in the head, she doesn't really react.
Zera
I'm Gemini, we are totally opposites.
WAYNE kicks the ball back.
wayne
I don't understand all this astronomical stuff, it all sounds a bit "up in the air" if you know what I mean.
We switch to her POV. She hears WAYNE, who is now a green crocodile.
wayne (POV ZERA)
I'm a green crocodile which means I don't understand people, so I eat them. They taste good.
Back to normal. ZERA stares at WAYNE, looking very pale.
wayne
Are you okay?
Zera
You won't freak out if I leave will you.
wayne
Oh, no.
Zera
Okay.
GIZZ comes over to WAYNE.
gizz
Wayne, I've got to tell you something, tonight. (Someone walks past — GIZZ turns to him) Oh hi! Enjoying yourself, have some spicy hoummos (He turns back to WAYNE). Come onto the balcony for a few minutes.
The soccer ball lands at WAYNE's feet. People continue to dance. WAYNE lines the ball up and fires it through the remaining dancers, narrowly missing people's heads. It crashes into some vases. He heads to the balcony with GIZZ. ZERA comes up to him again and yells . . .
Zera
You shouldn't eat meat!
wayne
Okay.
ZERA begins to look freaked out again and, in a paranoid puff, runs away. Stopping just for a moment before she goes.
Zera
Sorry, I have to go.
The door leading from the apartment to the balcony opens up and WAYNE walks out. It is still raining a bit. The soccer ball flies out and knocks a beer from the hand of ROB, a bearded fellow with a beer gut, who is hanging over the balcony — the beer and the ball fall the four stories, down to the ground. From inside a voice can be heard.
voice from inside
Can we have another ball?!
The door slams shut.
wayne
How's it going out here?
rob
Hot! But the thermals seem unable to bring back what has been lost. (He looks sad, almost about to cry) There was a whole mouthful left in it…
wayne
It's not the end of the world mate.
rob
Yeah, I suppose.
ROB goes inside sobbing as GIZZ staggers out, holding a drink which slips from his hand without him noticing leaving him holding air in the shape of a glass.
gizz
Wayne! I've got some good news to tell you.
wayne
What?
GIZZ leans over the balcony and stares at the sky, still holding his imaginary glass.
gizz
You know, well, we start filming on Thursday...
wayne
Yes.
WAYNE looks kind of puzzled.
gizz
Wayne, I'll cut to the chase. I want you to write the script!
GIZZ holds his hand up, he then notices that he doesn't have a drink anymore, he looks around trying to find it then continues.
wayne
What do you mean, didn't you already have got a script?
gizz
Not, really.
wayne
How did you get money from those guys then?
gizz
I showed them a script I downloaded a from an internet site.
wayne
Well why don't you use that?
gizz
You wouldn't believe it, it turned out to belong to some kid whose "father is a lawyer" and who's going to sue me if I don't give him thousands of dollars for it and blah, blah, blah.
wayne
Why don't you just pay him for it?
gizz
Where's the money going to come from Wayne? Parties like this don't grow on trees you know. Besides, it's the principle of the whole thing, this country is too quick to condemn an entrepreneur like myself.
wayne
I didn't know that you had any principles.
GIZZ lights up a cigarette and starts smoking.
gizz
You'd be surprised Wayne.
WAYNE ponders for a moment.
wayne
Don't you feel bad about lying and cheating to people all the time?
gizz
I don't feel proud about anything I do. But what's done is done. I suppose I could just kill myself. Throw myself over the edge, I mean Mr Pitt's going to do it anyway if I don't make his stupid bloody film!
He starts to sob.
wayne
Well, maybe you need to learn not to do things like this.
gizz
Dying Wayne, is not going to teach me anything! A great friend you are.
wayne
I didn't say I wouldn't do it, you big sook.
gizz
(cont.) I mean, I've had nothing but good things to say about your writing. Everyone else says, "why are you hanging around with that loser from Mallacoota," and I say, "hey, that loser happens to be a friend of mine, so you shut your face, right…"
wayne
I said I'd do it.
gizz
Oh, really, cool bananas!
GIZZ kisses him on the cheeks
We switch to GIZZ's POV. All of a sudden he's standing in front of a big green crocodile with a lumberjacks outfit on. The crocodile starts dancing and singing.
crocodile
Hey dude, don't make it bad, we take a sad song and make it wetter, wetter, wetter.
GIZZ slaps himself in the face. A group of revellers are in the alley-way below singing a drunken rendition of Hey Jude, really badly and really loudly. There is some more noises in the alleyway, it is the sound of a violent scuffle.
voice from the alleyway
Give us your fucking money maggot!
A moment later a rubbish bin can be heard smashing.
voice from the alleyway
You fucking Cow maggot!
wayne
Struth, what was that?
ROB opens the door and walks out onto the balcony as GIZZ continues to slap himself.
wayne
Quick grab a light!
He races inside and grabs a powerful movie light, knocking ROB's beer down to the alleyway again. ROB goes inside again as WAYNE comes out with the light, knocking ROB over the balcony, he then shines the light in GIZZ's face, then down to the alley. A figure can be seen down there standing over someone lying on the ground. The figure runs away at the appearance of the light.
cut to:
screen title: earlier that DAY…
It is day five of the Kooyong Classic Tennis Tournament (tournament before the Australian Open). WAYNE and GIZZ are waiting in a line to get into one of the tennis courts as crowds walk around in the summer sunshine. Gizz smokes a cigarette and eats a greasy battered fish; he is very well dressed, but looks as though he's had a few too many illegal substances. WAYNE has a shoe box under his arm. He has dark glasses, zinc on his nose, a camera and a hat, he looks like a dork. The crowd roars inside as the umpire calls the match’s score.
gizz
I wonder who’s playing?
WAYNE shrugs his shoulders. He takes a photograph of a “virtual blimp” that is hovering overhead. The blimp displays the match in progress. A lady, further ahead in the line, is coughing from GIZZ’s smoke. Behind them two European looking men, who are dressed as their favourite tennis star MARY SHINE, with long blonde hair and all, stand. We go over to them.
Mary-man
Have you seen her Christian?
Christian
No, no. I hope we have not missed her.
Mary-man
No, no, it's not possible I have the time right here, we've watched the door, she has not gone in so she must be here. She can't just vanish like that. Poof, in thin air, no.
MARY SHINE, late twenties/ early thirties, comes striding into the picture. She walks with great confidence and total focus, her long blonde hair bouncing along with every step. She notices the men dressed as her and tries to hide behind some of the tennis crowd so she can sneak past them. She is going well to begin with, but the guys spot her and walk over to her with smiles. She tries to ignore them, but they stand in front of her with autograph books like idiots.
Mary-man
Ah hello Mary, my friend and I were wondering if you would sign us an autograph.
She takes the autograph book and signs something quickly, hands it back then walks away. MARY-MAN and CHRISTIAN look at it.
christian
What did she write?
MARY-MAN
"Leave me alone please!!”. She has never wrote this before, she must be having a bad day.
christian
You must have annoyed her. I thought you said she likes it when you dress like her.
MARYMAN
Hey, she likes the dresses! I told you she likes the dresses.
christian
Well I don't believe you any more. I'm going back over to be with my other friends.
CHRISTIAN walks over to his group of friends who are all woman dressed like another tennis player, tough woman MELANIE HESSE (something like Xena warrior princess). Back in line GIZZ continues to smoke.
gizz
(To a lady who is continuing to cop his cigarette smoke) I’m a filmmaker love, don’t worry about me.
The lady is peeved. She moves towards her boyfriend.
gizz
(To WAYNE) That always gets them.
The lady’s boyfriend, a very large man with a mean, weathered face, casts a menacing look towards GIZZ. GIZZ hides behind WAYNE and quickly butts out his cigarette. MARY walks past the two and WAYNE turns his head for a moment to look at her.
wayne
Wow, that's one of the players I think.
The virtual blimp flashes the score: Gödmunsdotter 6, 6, 5 Rafter 7, 4, 5
gizz
Nice arse.
CUT TO:
MARY walks along with her tennis racquet bag under her arm, her AGENT, a fast-talking American in her 30s, joins her.
agent
At the end of each point could you just twist a little towards the camera, the sponsors are complaining that they're not getting enough exposure.
mary
I don’t care.
A large Scandinavian masseur stands holding some steaming towels as MARY and her AGENT walk in.
agent
Well you should care. We are talking about a multi-million dollar deal here Mary, and frankly, at your age, you better take advantage of it while you can. You're not a spring chicken any more.
MARY lays down on the table and the masseur begins her work.
agent
I might as well go talk to some pigeons…
The Agent leaves. MARY stares blankly at the wall as her massage continues. Outside a game can be heard finishing.
umpire (outside)
Game, set, match, Gödmunsdotter.
MARY’s boyfriend, JEAN, a French man in his mid-thirties (who we saw earlier in WAYNE's restaurant), appears at the dressing room door.
jean
Ah, Little Bean. I wish you good luck, as always.
He raises his hand to his lips and blows a kiss. MARY, turns her head away from him.
jean
What’s wrong little bean?
flashback
MARY walks past a group of photographers who are taking pictures of DANSKA. Cameras flash away, none in her direction. DANSKA bends over and shows her large cleavage, JEAN can't take his eyes off her, MARY looks peeved.
danska
It’s just great to be in Australia (giggle).
end of flashback
Mary
Nothing’s wrong “I just loving showing my young breasts in Australia.” It is so lovely in this country, the way I can show my breasts all over the place.
jean
Quoi??
mary
We might talk about this later.
jean
But…
mary
Go away.
JEAN sheepishly departs. The MASSEUR smiles.
mary
I just want to find a man that is not a pig. (to MASSEUR) Do they exist?
MASSEUR
(bit like Russel Crowe) I don’t know if I’m the sort of girl you should ask about that, if you know what I mean.
mary
Sorry.
MASSEUR
No problem.
MARY relaxes back into her massage.
mary
(to herself) Why is it all so complicated?
CUT TO:
Wayne and Gizz have successfully negotiated the line and now stand at the edge of a corporate box on court 5 as two male tennis players exit to the dressing rooms. GIZZ points to a very, very fat man, who takes up three seats, MR PITT, sitting in a private box.
gizz
There he is.
wayne
Why did you want me along here again?
gizz
No reason.
A few moments pass, then Melanie Hesse, a broad shouldered lass a lot like Xena. enters the court. The automatic computer score board announces that Melanie Hesse and Mary Shine are about to play their quarter final's match. Melanie is built like a weightlifter. Mary SHINE enters the court to much applause, she does a few stretches. A coin is tossed to choose ends, then the two opponents eye each other off as they begin their warm up rallies.
WAYNE opens his shoe box and puts a little bird seed inside.
gizz
Why did you have to bring that damn bird along, it makes me nervous. He keeps looking at me.
BUDGIE stares at GIZZ from inside the box.
gizz
See! He just did it then.
WAYNE notices a SECURITY GUARD coming up the stairs towards them. He turns to GIZZ, who is smoking another cigarette, GIZZ butts out the cigarette.
wayne
He's got a sore wing, I can't leave him home alone.
A strong gust of wind blows as storm clouds thunder on a distant horizon.
MARY SHINE is waiting to serve to MELANIE HESSE.
Mary and Melanie have finished warming up. Melanie is serving. After a short rally she wins the first point.
GIZZ and WAYNE are nearly down to where MR PITT is sitting.
MR PITT waves his hand towards GIZZ, who waves back.
gizz
You just have to act like you can use the same urinal as the big boys and everything should be okay.
GIZZ and WAYNE walk stand next to MR PITT. MR PITT watches the match pulling a cream-covered strawberry from a glass with his fingers and chewing it up.
mr pitt
Have a seat boys.
The two have to negotiate PITT's huge belly to reach their seats.
mr pitt
How's it going boys? Everything okay. Do you need some strawberries?
gizz
No thanks Mr Pitt.
mr pitt
(looking at WAYNE) So this is the young man you were telling me about. (he holds out his hand to WAYNE, almost squashing GIZZ in the process as he leans over him. Rather than shake WAYNE's hand he just gives it a little tickle) Gosh, he's prettier than I ever imagined, I'm sure if you write half as well as you look, things will just go along famously.
MR PITT eats another strawberry and licks his fingers. WAYNE wipes his hand with an old handkerchief.
wayne
I haven't really written much...
gizz
(quickly interrupting) great day, isn't it!
mr pitt
I read the obituaries this morning and I wasn't in them.
GIZZ laughs loudly and fakely. WAYNE looks puzzled.
wayne
But you wouldn't be alive to read it, if you were dead.
PITT laughs at WAYNE.
mr pitt
Quite the joker I see. Anyway boys I won't keep you long, I just wanted you to meet my assistant, Ted Green.
Seemingly from out of nowhere, a mean looking man in a very dark suit, with dark black hair and dark sunglasses appears, it is TED GREEN, a man in his thirties with a cockney accent. He holds his hand out to GIZZ and starts to crush it, GIZZ can't handle the pain and falls to the ground.
ted
Pleased to meet you.
mr pitt
Ted, let the boy go!
TED releases GIZZ.
mr pitt
If there are any problems, you can rely on Ted here to fix them. Is that all peachy?
GIZZ, getting up off the ground.
gizz
Peachy cream.
mr pitt
Good, now break a leg.
TED kicks GIZZ in the shin, GIZZ falls back down with pain.
mr pitt
(cont.) Don't mind Ted, underneath that violent exterior, there's just a soft marshmallow waiting to be slowly roasted over a campfire.
TED smirks at WAYNE, who helps GIZZ up.
gizz
We should really get going.
mr pitt
Glad to have met you Wayne, hope the muse visits you and tickles your fancy during the night -- I know I'd like to.
GIZZ, hobbling, pushes WAYNE past PITT. PITT grabs WAYNE's hand again and licks it, WAYNE is disgusted. They move a bit up the stairs.
wayne
What was that all about?
gizz
I'll tell you later.
They exit.
ted
So what's up with giving these two paper bags money to make a lickety split?
mr pitt
I just feel like it you piece of dog shit!
ted
But why?
mr pitt
Because it's none of you bloody business! Okay Ted! I'm the brains of this bloody operation, not you Ted, not anyone else. Me. Me, me, me, me!
He pulls out a button and presses it, it sends some sort of signal to TED who falls down in agony holding his head.
mr pitt
What did I say about questioning me, what did I tell you?! Now let's go over this again. Who-is-the-boss?
ted
Ah!!! You are Mr Pitt.
TED continues to be in pain, PITT goes back to eating his strawberries, still holding the button as people around him stare.
umpire
Would people please ensure that all electronic devices are turned off during play!
The crowd gives a little clap (as they do at the announcement of similar mobile phone messages), PITT pokes his tongue out, then switches off his device. TED goes back to normal.
Two commentators, BILL and DOUG, both in their forties, look out onto the match of MARY and MELANIE, their microphones to their mouths.
bill
Mary, the former golden girl of tennis hasn't been able to match the might of Melanie today.
doug
Yes Bill, it looks like Mary's in terrible trouble. The ball must be looking like a pea to her and I get the feeling she just doesn't want to be out there.
MARY groans loudly on court as she loses another point. MELANIE looks cool and collected. The virtual blimp shows the score: 6-3, 6-7, 3-5 (In MELANIE's favour). CHRISTIAN starts chanting with one or two other MARY followers.
group of men dressed as mary
(Courtside) Let's go Mary, let's go! Come on Mary!
doug
Did you know Bill, that both of these girls came from the same village in Romania? A little place called Transelgg, snuggled in the serene surroundings of the Romanian Alps.
bill
Well there you go Doug. Life is stranger than fiction.
CUT TO:
The clouds over the stadium have turned a pure-black and they are thunderous clouds. On court MARY and MELANIE continue their game. MELANIE is serving. MELANIE'S supporters, and defector MARYMAN, start their own chanting (rather brutishly).
melanie supporters
Come on Melanie, finish her off!
MELANIE serves and MARY hits it into the net.
Mary
Stupid!
umpire
Forty-love.
group of women dressed as melanie
Let’s go Melanie, Lets go!
umpire
Quiet please.
Doug v.o
It’s really going to rain in a minute! (He turns to BILL in the commentary box) You know Bill I haven't seen clouds like this since the flash flood swept Roy Dyer from centre court in the 1973 Brisbane Classic.
bill v.o
Yes Doug that was a big year for tennis.
doug v.o
Melanie Hesse is about to serve for the match. She raises her arm like an executioner's axe . . .
The weather has really soured. The wind has picked up. Leaves fly through the air. A few rain drops fall to the earth. They are becoming heavier. MELANIE serves an ace, and the match is over.
umpire
Game, set, match, Miss Melanie Hesse.
mary
(Throwing her racquet) No!!!
MELANIE is laughing at MARY as she holds her hands up in victory. MARY just kneels in the rain, that is now bucketing down, drenching her shirt and hair. Someone from the crowd, MARY’S MOTHER, throws lemons at MELANIE.
bill v.o
And what’s this Doug, lemons raining down from the sky and landing on Melanie! What a sight to behold, obviously the Lord himself is trying to send us a message…
doug v.o
Hang on Bill, it looks like it’s only Mary’s mother…yep she’s being dragged off by security…again. She’s a character, isn’t she Bill?
Security guards drag off MARY’s MOTHER. MARY continues to sit in the rain.
Mary’s Mother
You can’t do this to me!
CUT TO:
Mary sits in her hotel room, high above the city. She is sobbing by a window that looks out onto the modern city of Melbourne. Her boyfriend JEAN is in the room getting dressed. Mary stares out the window. Jean goes to put his hand on her shoulder but she brushes him off. Mary continues to stare and sob.
mary
(Slowly and with some calm) Danska is only sixteen. For Christ's sake! (She rubs her eyes and her temples). As though this stupid day isn't bad enough.
jean
This is very difficult for me you know. (He sobs). I can't help it, I'm French!
mary
You're a French pig. That's what you are!
MARY tearfully walks towards the room's bar and grabs a few glasses which she hurls at JEAN.
mary
(cont.) A pig! Now get out from my sight!
jean
Perhaps we should talk later little bean.
JEAN runs from the room as glasses smash over his head. MARY spots the various beverages in the mini bar. Her hands are shaking, they reach out to a little bottle of scotch, she unscrews the top and takes a mouthful from the bottle — she chokes, obviously not very used to it.
flashback:
A five-year-old MARY SHINE stands on a tennis court, that is in need of repair, with a tennis racquet as tall as herself. A Romanian couple, her parents, a tight-faced, uptight pair aged in their forties, are giving her instructions and telling her to try harder. Through the tennis court's wire fence, a “Sound of Music” type of grassy field can be seen.
young mary
But mutter can’t I go play with the other girls and the goats? It is such a nice spring day.
Mother
Those
goats are smelly creatures! You keep away from them. I don't want you
smelling like urine! Do you want to turn out like a farmer girl, do you? Huh, with broad shoulders. Like all the Hesse family? No. (she softens a little and puts on her nurturing voice, patting the child's head). And all that dirt will ruin your complexion. (She rubs some moisturising cream on the child’s face). You'll be
a beautiful star one day. You'll make our family proud, not to mention
rich. (She turns mad again) I don't want you turning out to be some
farmer girl who marries the first goat herder that knocks her up!
In the near-distance young girls can be heard playing in the fields. It is such a super spring day! MOTHER leaves her for a moment and MARY goes to the dilapidated fence and looks out onto the field. Another young girl, presumably MELANIE HESSE, walks past carrying a traditional milk-yolk over her shoulders. She notices MARY and smiles. MARY, pokes her tongue out. The young MELANIE, not to be out-done, raises her middle-finger. MARY, mouths the words "fuck-you" as MELANIE goes to raise the back of her milk-maid's costume. Melanie’s mother comes and whacks her over the head. MARY looks satisfied with herself.
mother
Mary! Get away from that fence. How can you be wasting time when your serve and volley game is still so sloppy? (She guides MARY back to the court then turns on her gentle voice again) Come on darling, cooperate.
End of Flashback.
The empty bottle of small scotch sits on the bench, the last drop spilling onto the floor overlooking the city. MARY slams the door as she exits.
Blurred sounds resonate in Mary’s ears. She wears a red cloak around her head, hiding from the world. Drug dealers ask here if she wants to "score". She can barely hear them, nor understand them, not used to this rough, outside world. The rain still belts down. Police drive by, they stare at her, then turn their police lights and siren on and race away. She turns and notices a lady with a hook-arm following her. She turns down an alleyway, past the Roast Duck cafe. Bev, the hook-lady, joined by some other shady looking characters, follow her. A group of revellers pass by singing a kind of terrible karaoke version of Hey Jude. An old Chinese man drinking tea watches them go by. An Indian man tries to sell her live cobras. MARY turns a corner, then vomits on the ground.
Bev
(To MARY) Got any spare change for a tram ticket? I had my wallet stolen earlier and . . .(she watches the revellers pass by then raises her hook menacingly). Give me some fucking money maggot!
MARY just stares vacantly. Bev’s thug assistants watch at the end of the alleyway as she threatens Mary. Mary, wiping vomit from her face, still doesn’t respond. Bev smashes her in the face with her hook. Mary lies bleeding as Bev searches her for money. Finding none, she is enraged. She yells and grabs a plastic rubbish bin. She lifts it over her head and drops it on Mary.
Bev
You fucking cow-maggot!
MARY is unconscious. Bev pulls out a large knife and holds Mary’s limp body up by her long blonde ponytail. She slices the pony-tail off and throws it into a nearby bin. At the same time a bright light beams down in her face. Bev looks up, is startled, and runs. A few moments later a middle-aged woman, Jennifer, comes to Mary’s aid.
JEAN enters the hotel room. He sees the empty bottle of scotch and holds it up.
Jean
Merde!
He goes to a travel bag and rummages through it for some time, rambling in French. Finally he pulls out a small silver hand gun. He then goes to the bathroom, and washes his face.
jean
Why does she always do this? One little problem and she runs away like a spoilt princess. Such a typical woman.
A few moments later, after cologne, hair-wax, and picking the hairs from his nostrils, he's looking pretty good. He looks into the mirror and does an impression of Mary.
jean
I'm Mary Shine. When things don't go my way I go crazy and disappear.
He puts his gun in his trousers then takes another look in the mirror.
jean
Ah, looking good Jean. She doesn't deserve you.
He heads out of the door.
cut to:
Ambient "new age" music wafts through the air. MARY is in a bed, she has a few bruises and her hair is quite ragged, she looks nothing like the princess of the day before and is dressed in some hippy type clothes. She looks around trying to orientate herself, holding her thumping head. She notices she has some sort of green substance on her hair (comfrey) she examines a piece of it. A man wearing nothing but a towel and a farmer's Acubra hat, walks past her into an adjoining room. He's FARMER MAN, an old Aboriginal man in his sixties.
farmer man
(Tips his hat to Mary) Hey.
Mary, too emotionally fragile to reply verbally, just gives a small and hesitant smile. Her face has swollen, and this manoeuvre makes her wince. She attempts to stand, but she is a bit wobbly and has to immediately rest on a nearby chair. She again surveys the room. The FARMER MAN is now clothed and he walks back past her.
Farmer man
Bit under the weather, aye? (MARY's neck is still a little unresponsive but she manages to look at the man). Well you're in the right place for it. That Jennifer's pretty good you know. Well, Cheerio love.
The farmer man tips his farmer hat again and leaves the room. A kettle can be heard whistling in another room — the room that the Farmer man just came from. MARY stands — a little more competently this time — and walks into the next room. There is a massage table there and diagrams of people and their pressure points and lots of other new age type of things. Sunlight streams in through the remnants of yesterday's raindrops, illuminating a largish window. In a kitchenette, attached to the room, the boiling kettle can be seen. Jennifer is sitting on a cushion on the floor, meditating in a half-lotus position. The kettle is now going crazy. Jennifer takes a deep breath.
jennifer
(She opens one eye) You must be feeling like a cup of liquorice tea.
JENNIFER rises and goes to the kettle. MARY sits on a chair by a small table. JENNIFER fusses around with a teapot, in a cosy, and some cups. JENNIFER brings out two cups of tea and gives one to MARY.
jennifer
You're not from around here are you?
mary
No.
jennifer
I bet you're from, let me think. (She puts her hand to her head like a psychic) Europe!
mary
I'm not, sure…
jennifer
You used to work with goats in the past. You were the wife of a goat herder.
mary
(Looking puzzled) I don't…
jennifer
(Not deterred) This life. You do something with your hands...let me think — no I've lost it...Maybe we should have some breakfast.
JENNIFER gathers some fruit and bread and things from various spots in the kitchen.
mary
(Thinks for a moment) Where am I?
jennifer
In Chinatown dear.
Mary
Who are you?
jennifer
I'm Jennifer. Do you want some bread?
mary
Ah, I don't know...
JENNIFER places some bread with jam in front of Mary.
jennifer
Have some bread, it's organic...
JENNIFER feels Mary's ragged hair.
jennifer
We can cut that a bit straighter if you want. (She fondles the hair some more). That's what girls do isn't it?
MARY remembers her head and becomes a little disorientated. She stares around the room for a moment.
mary
(She holds her head) What did I just say?
JENNIFER feels MARY's head, she lifts the comfrey poultice.
jennifer
Bump's going down.
mary
Last night?
jennifer
You suffered some trauma.
mary
Sorry, I don't remember…just, some light.
jennifer
It was nasty business with these drug addicts, don't think about it now, just rest, eat some food, you'll be okay in a few hours.
MARY eats some bread. JENNIFER looks at her hair again, then gets excited.
jennifer
Maybe we should put some henna in your hair!
JENNIFER spins the chair around so MARY is facing her, the manoeuvre leaves MARY’s head spinning, she looks like she is going to throw up.
JENNIFER
Red! You know you would look great as a redhead.
mary
Red?
jennifer
Well, henna's sort of red.
mary
I think someone must be looking for me...
jennifer
Oh we'll work the details out later love, the important thing is that you're here and you're safe. Now just sit back, relax, for you're in Jennifer's professional Theraporium now.
mary
But...
jennifer
Leave it in the hands of the universe dear. Give yourself some time to get back into the swing of things. As things have a way of working themselves out I always find.
A few birds fly onto the window-sill behind the girls. JENNIFER begins extracting the pieces of comfrey from MARY's hair.
Wayne sits in his inner-city balcony garden chewing on the end of a pen. He has a laptop computer in front of him. He puts the pen to paper then sits back in anguish. The garden is four stories above ground level and has many plants. He has a fan blowing a breeze onto him as he sweats. There is a bird cage (with BUDGIE, a budgie, in it), it's door swings open and shut like a gate on a windy night in a horror movie (due to fan's wind). There is an old CD player sitting amongst the plants. Wayne pushes play, some music starts to play (I don't care if the sun don't shine?) as he grooves along like a nerdish writer.
GIZZ prepares some hot chocolates in the kitchen (it's an open plan apartment), he pours in the hot milk, adds a little sugar, then pulls out a sheet of Lumberjacks LSD (cardboard with lumberjacks printed all over it), he slips one into a cup and stirs it.
gizz
That oughta get the creative juices flowing.
He heads to the balcony.
Gizz comes out with two cups of hot chocolate and WAYNE quickly goes back to work.
gizz
(Speedily) I have discovered the secret of hot chocolate! You know that Dutch girl (he holds up a packet of Bensdorp's Cacao which has a picture of a Dutch "milk-maid" on it). Well, when I saw her in the supermarket, I fell in love. And that's not easy for me. Not since Alexis killed himself with the lawn-mower. (He holds up the two steaming cups). I've warmed the milk — I haven't boiled it, boiling is bad — I've added just two teaspoons of cocoa; some sugar; and fanny's your aunt, here it is. (He hands one cup to WAYNE then pulls out a large joint. He takes a puff of the joint. His eyes grow heavy as he sits on a bench.) Jesus it's hot. I hope you're working, we haven't got much time you know.
wayne
(Takes a sip) I'm working.
gizz
Have you written anything? I bet you haven't written anything? You're not in your "Mary Poppins" university any more. There's no leprechauns or nice lecturers floating around here you know. . .you're a professional now.
wayne
(Gets up and walks around with his cup of chocolate. He leans over the balcony railing). I've got a bit done.
WAYNE takes a sip of chocolate, the LSD goes into his mouth without him knowing, he coughs.
wayne
(cont…) Oh shit, I swallowed a fly or something.
GIZZ grabs WAYNE's notepad.
gizz
You should have written more than a bit. What! You've only got a page. What the hell are you doing out here? You're killing me. You've got to be joking. These people are important you know. You are in the real world now. You know, the real world. (He notices WAYNE looking over the balcony) Are you listening?
WAYNE looks over into Jennifer's window (one floor below and too his right), he sees the back of MARY's head and JENNIFER dying her hair with henna, his eyes light up. He tries to get a better view by leaning over the balcony. He keeps leaning further and further forward, trying to peek in. He leans too far and pushes his cup over the edge, it smashes loudly in the alley-way. He is left hanging from the railing, four stories up. JENNIFER pops her head out of the window. P.O.V WAYNE upside-down, legs in the air.
jennifer
You okay dear?!
wayne
Oh, me? Ah...
GIZZ comes to his rescue, joint in hand. He grabs WAYNE’s legs. WAYNE struggles to pull himself up.
wayne
I'm fine. How are you coping with the heat?
MARY now stands beside JENNIFER, hair dripping with henna. WAYNE is almost rescued when GIZZ drops his joint, it lands on WAYNE's crotch. WAYNE looks a little worried now that his balls are burning. GIZZ thinks quickly and grabs his cup of chocolate with his free hand. WAYNE struggles to hold on. In the commotion WAYNE is still able to catch a glance of MARY. In fact both of their eyes meet for a tiny moment. GIZZ pours the hot cup of chocolate on his crotch.
wayne
Blimey!
GIZZ pulls WAYNE to safety. WAYNE lies on the balcony holding his balls as GIZZ grabs a hose and starts watering the affected area, joint back in his mouth.
gizz
Don't worry girls it is all under control.
MARY winces. JENNIFER laughs.
jennifer
Is he alright?!
gizz
Yeah, don't worry about him he's a real trooper? (To WAYNE) You'll be alright to write a few more pages? Won't you Wayne?
WAYNE gives him the "thumbs up".
Jennifer
Does he want some balm?!
WAYNE whispers something to GIZZ.
gizz
Yeah!
jennifer
I'll get some!
GIZZ sprays WAYNE in the face with the hose. WAYNE begins to choke. JENNIFER puts her head back inside her apartment. GIZZ turns the hose off.
JENNIFER looks over to her homeopathic medicine box which sits behind MARY.
jennifer
Throw us over some of that balm from there would you dear.
MARY looks down and contemplates the medicine box. JENNIFER notices her vagueness and walks over to get the balm herself. She sits MARY down on a chair and sorts through the box.
jennifer
Sorry dear, you sit down, I'll put on the calming calls of the blue whale album soon.
She holds up the tube of balm and walks to the window again. She sticks her head out and yells up as she throws the tube.
jennifer
Here you go, apply it gently and keep soaking the area in cool water!
She comes back inside. MARY continues to look up to the balcony where WAYNE is.
jennifer
Now, about that head of yours.
MARY pops her head back into the room.
mary
You don't have some aspirin do you?
jennifer
No, don't believe in the stuff. Herbs are Mother Nature's aspirin...
mary
Who was that man?
jennifer
That's just Wayne.
JENNIFER sits MARY back down on the chair. MARY surrenders to her pampering. JENNIFER performs Reiki on MARY's head, placing her hands on either side of her head. Mary starts drifting into another world, a few stars float in the room, just for a moment…
mary
He looks familiar.
jennifer
(slowly and with great concentration) Bumps on the head occasionally trigger past life recognition — opening gateways into worlds our present mind has forgotten. Sometimes you can even develop a pronounced twitch or other behavioural abnormalities such as walking around as though you have a peg leg — indicating, of course, that you were once a pirate.
mary
I don’t believe in pirates.
cut to:
BEV, dressed as a pirate, still with her hook arm and patch over her eye, but now also with a peg leg, goes to chop MARY’s (dressed as a cabin boy with lairy pink scarf tied around her head) head off, but WAYNE, dressed like Errol Flynn, flies through in the nick of time and cuts BEV’s head off instead.
jennifer v.o
Belief has little to do with truth.
MARY opens her eyes, startled by her vision, JENNIFER continues to perform her therapy, she places her hand over MARY’s eyes and she closes them again.
jennifer
Do you remember your name?
mary
Yes. But I think I'd rather forget for a moment.
jennifer
We should make up a new name for you then!
mary
A new one?
jennifer
How about Tina!
MARY thinks for a moment as JENNIFER continues to hold her head.
mary
Tina?
JENNIFER reaches over and shakes MARY's hand.
jennifer
Good to meet you Tina. And where do you think you're from?
mary
I don’t know.
jennifer
For the purposes of this intense therapy we'll just say, Switzerland! I always liked that Sound of Music.
CUT TO:
WAYNE is sitting in front of a laptop pressing keys slowly. BUDGIE flies out from his cage and lands on the keys, preventing him from typing. He waves it off. He looks down towards JENNIFER’s window then forces himself back to his task, typing a few more lines. GIZZ yells from inside their flat.
gizz
Remember that the first scene is in a field Wayne!
WAYNE doesn't reply. He just keeps typing, in a daydream. GIZZ, dressed in a suit, pops his head outside.
gizz
Are you listening to me?
wayne
Huh?
gizz
Field. F-e-i-l-d okay?
wayne
It is under control.
gizz
So what's it about? You can't have too much action in this you know — none of that Jackie Chan stuff. We don't have the budget for effects Wayne, remember: KISS.
wayne
The Band?
Gizz
Get with it Wayne. KISS: keep, it, simple, stupid. The simpler it is the more stupid people come to see it; you just have to realise what absolute morons go to see these things.
Gizz points to the screen.
gizz
Who's Margaret?
wayne
Margaret is Trevor's fiancee. The two of them are about to make love for the first time in the field, when, out of the blue, the local drill sergeant from the Army Reserve calls him up for active duty in Afghanistan.
gizz
Sounds a bit political.
wayne
But it's thought provoking.
GIZZ looks at his watch. And raises his hands in semi-defeat.
gizz
No one is interested in provoking! They don't pay good money to go and get provoked. I got to go. Just get it into your head — good is bad! Bad is good! And try not to offend to many Arabs in the process, I don't fancy having some home-made bomb shoved up my clacker.
GIZZ runs out in a huff. WAYNE reaches for his soothing balm and rubs it onto his groin. We notice that he is only wearing loose fitting boxer shorts under his desk. He winces as he applies the cream. He starts pressing the "delete" button. A little computer with legs icon springs up on the computer. It has a little message and a computer voice,
computer
It appears that you are trying to write a screenplay, do you need some assistance?
wayne
How do you turn thess bloody messages off?
He pushes loads of buttons.
computer
I have every possible storyline programmed in for your convenience…no don't touch that one!
Wayne pushes the right key for closing the help screen. The message starts closing, the little icon starts melting away.
computer
You're going to regret this, I have friends!
wayne
Jesus Christ, why are they making computers so pushy nowadays.
He types a bit more, but after a few lines the BUDGIE again flies onto the laptop.
Budgie
Hello.
wayne
Yes. (Finally acknowledging it) What do you want!
budgie
Yes.
wayne
Come on, spit it out.
budgie
Well... I can see that you don't want to do this Wayne.
wayne
What's it to you, you dumb bird?
budgie
Put it this way Wayne, there's a wonderful opportunity downstairs waiting for you.
wayne
At Jennifer's? (he looks around, making sure no one catches him talking to the bird) How do you know?
budgie
Wayne when was the last time you felt like you do now? With all these love shivers running along your arm and down your spine.
wayne
I don't need advice from a bloody parrot.
budgie
Come on Wayne, I can do the first few pages…
wayne
No, no definitely not, just go and eat some seed or something. Birds aren't meant to be able to hold conversations.
budgie
Love Wayne. It's what it's all about.
WAYNE stares into the air.
wayne
Do not talk to me, I'm trying to work.
BUDGIE gets onto the laptop and types a few speculative words. WAYNE sits back and watches the bird.
wayne
This heat's getting to me.
budgie
Just go Wayne. Just go.
wayne
She'll think I'm weird.
BUDGIE types a few more words, ignoring WAYNE. WAYNE picks up the balm and waddles inside.
wayne
(He mumbles to himself) I hope you know what you're doing.
MARY stands up, whale music is playing in the background.
mary
You're not a scientologist are you.
jennifer
No, I'm just an old woman who likes helping people. Don't worry, I'm not an old witch or anything. These walls are not made of gingerbread, they are just brick.
JENNIFER just stands watching her.
mary
What makes you think I need help?
jennifer
It's written all over your face darling.
MARY's eyes begin to water, she tries to hold in her tears, she goes to the window and looks out of it.
jennifer
I may be old and wrinkly, but I know a broken heart when I see it.
mary
I should just get back.
jennifer
What will going back do?
MARY wipes tears from her eyes.
mary
Maybe I could sort things out.
jennifer
Honey, once a bastard always a bastard. No point wasting valuable time, might as well just move on a see where the day takes you.
mary
But…
There is a knock on the door, JENNIFER puts her finger on MARY's lips, then smiles, goes over to the door and answers it. It's WAYNE, holding the balm.
wayne
Oh, hi, I just thought I'd give that back.
He hands back the balm.
jennifer
Oh thanks sweetie. Have you met Tina?
wayne
I don't think so.
jennifer
Would you like to meet her?
wayne
I suppose.
jennifer
Tina this is Wayne, Wayne this is Tina.
The two shake hands. WAYNE goes over to the window and stares at a new-age mobile, he turns around with a big smile.
wayne
I love your music. What is that? Are they humpbacks?
jennifer
Blue whales.
wayne
They have to watch out when they have babies you know.
mary
Why is that?
wayne.
The blood attracts the sharks. I've seen them do it.
mary
You have?
wayne
Only on T.V., you wouldn't catch me out there when a whale's having a baby, dangerous turf there. Our little boat was once attacked by a shark late at night. I'm going off for a fruit juice.
jennifer
Take Tina along.
mary
No, no I don't really feel like going out at the moment, thank you.
wayne
Okay. See you all later then.
He turns and walks to the door, JENNIFER looks at MARY, shaking her head.
jennifer
(whispering) forget about all that for a while, please trust me.
WAYNE leaves.
mary
I can't.
jennifer
Just give it a day.
mary
What is it with you?
jennifer
Maybe I'm your fairy god mother.
mary
Maybe you're a bit crazy!
jennifer
Maybe that's just what you need.
Whale sounds swirl around in WAYNE's head, he drifts off down the stairs -- which are a deep Antarctic blue. A few penguins slide down the stairs.
wayne
Never trust a bird.
MARY is confused, she looks at JENNIFER, she looks at the door, she looks back at JENNIFER.
mary
Oh, stuff it all.
jennifer
That's the spirit.
mary
Do you have any sunglasses and a scarf?
JENNIFER hands the items over. MARY heads to the door.
mary
I'll just go for a fruit juice, that can't hurt.
JENNIFER puts some keys in her hand.
jennifer
Come back after, have some lunch.
MARY exits, JENNIFER goes over to the window, she looks down, WAYNE is in the alley.
WAYNE looks up to the heavens. MARY taps him on the shoulders, he spins around very startled.
wayne
Struth!
MARY
It's just me, I decided to come for some juice.
wayne
Oh, that's nice.
mary
Don't get any ideas.
wayne
I have no idea, I'll have to admit.
mary
Well?
wayne
Okay, um, let's go for some juice then.
The sun streams down through the many low-rise buildings that are in Chinatown. A few ostriches and camels go by, as well as people dressed as Star Wars storm troopers on a patrol (presumably part of WAYNE's "trip"). MARY quickly darts into a shop as a police car drives past. WAYNE doesn't know where she has gone but when the vehicle goes by she re-emerges smiling suspiciously. WAYNE points to a trendy looking Chinese coffee/ noodle shop; the Roast Duck Cafe.
WAYNE looks MARY in the eyes (behind the sunglasses). They are now standing outside the Roast Duck Chinese cafe. There is a moment of silence.
wayne
Chinatown seems to be getting weirder everyday?
WAYNE looks at a camel.
mary
It's too hot to talk.
WAYNE enters the café, MARY follows.
The Roast Duck Café is a very trendy place, full of young Asians dressed in groovy coloured fake furs and things, WAYNE and MARY are the only Caucasians.
wayne
Are you all right…?
For a moment MARY sees WAYNE dressed as a Swiss goat herder (still in the café, but with a goat behind him), he says something in Swiss German, MARY shakes her head, and WAYNE becomes WAYNE again as she regains her composure..
mary
I’m just fine.
wayne
I think I might be a bit dehydrated.
MARY loosens her scarf a little, she is sweating.
WAYNE turns to find a waiter, he gets the attention of one. The WAITER comes over but does the "moonwalk" instead of normal steps…
waiter
Like some drinks?
mary
Yes. What do you have?
waiter
We have a menu.
The WAITER whips two menus and flicks one to WAYNE and one to MARY, who both start reading.
wayne
What's this "magoo"?
waiter
Mango grows on trees, it's very sweet, tropical.
mary
Oh, mango, I like mango, I'll have some of that please.
waiter
Two mango juice?
WAITER writes this down, then moonwalks back to the kitchen.
wayne
I love mangoes! Sorry, I yell when I'm nervous, I don't really get to talk to pretty girls like you much. I'll shut up anyway.
mary
They are full of good enzymes you know.
wayne
Really, I didn't know that.
mary
No, it's true.
wayne
I believe you.
mary
No.
mary
So tell me about you Wayne?
We switch to WAYNE's POV, his heart is pounding so loud he can barely hear what's going on.
wayne
Me, there's nothing much to say about me.
mary
What do you do for a job.
wayne
Wash dishes. That's only a part-time thing though.
mary
Wash dishes? For real? Isn't that what illiterate people do? No offence.
wayne
George Orwell washed dishes at a restaurant in Paris just to see what it'd be like to be poor?
mary
Who is George Orwell?
wayne
Who is George Orwell! Only one of the most famous writers to ever come out of England. He wrote 1984 years before it happened. And, he invented the term Big Brother. (pause) I want to be just like him.
The waiter brings out the juices.
mary
Are you a famous writer?
wayne
No, I just can't be bothered getting a real job. I'm meant to be writing a script though.
mary
Really? Oh, that sounds interesting. How is it going?
wayne
Good. (under his breath) I hope it's going good. I don't really know how it's all going to turn out.
mary
Neither do I.
There is silence for a moment, MARY begins drinking her juice. She mumbles something in Romanian as she sips. WAYNE starts laughing, but he's trying to restrain it.
mary
What are you laughing at?
wayne
I don't know, everything seems funny at the moment for some reason. It's all so colourful. (he sips the mango juice) That is delicious. I think I can feel the enzymes working right now.
WAYNE sees everyone in the room dressed in lumberjack costumes, they are all cute girls and they all wink at him and whisper to each other.
mary
Well, what about me?
wayne
What about you?
mary
Don't you want to know anything about me?
WAYNE keeps laughing. MARY looks around trying to see what is funny.
mary
(cont) what is so funny?
wayne
Did I meet you in Byron Bay last year?
mary
No.
A DIFFERENT WAITER comes back with more fruit juice.
DIFFERENT WAITER
Who bought you this!
wayne
The other waiter.
DIFFERENT waiter
But I have your drink here.
wayne
Oh well, doesn't matter.
different waiter
(mumbling) doesn't matter to such a rich westerner. In some countries people would search through rubbish all day just to find a cup like this with just a drop of juice left in it…
A young CHINESE KID comes up to MARY with a picture of her in a sports magazine, he stands there holding out the page with a pen, MARY ignores him, he continues to stand there.
wayne
Okay, okay, we'll have these drinks as well…
The DIFFERENT WAITER places the drinks down. WAYNE looks at the CHINESE KID still standing with his pen out. WAYNE looks around the room, MARY quickly signs the CHINESE KID’s picture.
wayne
I think they are all watching us.
WAYNE turns and answers.
mary
They might be watching me.
wayne
Why?
Mary
No reason.
MARY rolls her eyes. WAYNE's phone rings (like the old dial phones), he answers.
wayne
Because you look like Audrey Hepburn.
gizz v.o
Do you really think so?
wayne
Not you.
gizz v.o
Where are you?
wayne
The Roast Duck.
gizz v.o
(eating as he speaks) Hey, your script’s okay.
wayne
Is it?
GIZZ is on the phone, he holds bunches of script as he swipes at BUDGIE and his friends as they attack him.
gizz
Yeah, you're doing well, but you've got to get back so we can talk about Thursday.
wayne v.o
I'll come up now.
GIZZ wipes off bird shit from the script as he swipes again at BUDGIE, he ends up spinning around and gets tangled in the phone cord.
gizz
We are going to have to have a serious discussion about your birds though. They're shitting over everything. Ahh! Get away you creatures.
gizz v.o
Hurry Wayne, they're pecking me!!
wayne
(He hangs up) That was my stupid friend. I got to get back to work, we start filming on Thursday?
mary
When is Thursday?
WAYNE counts his fingers. He loses track and re-counts.
wayne
Tomorrow.
mary
This could be interesting.
wayne
You're welcome to come if you like.
mary
I don't know.
He waves his hands and accidentally tips over his drink, it starts dripping off the table. All the lumberjack girls get up and pick up their axes and walk out the door.
wayne
Oh man, I always do that.
The WAITER brings over the bill, MARY pushes it over to WAYNE.
MARY
Sorry, I didn’t bring any money with me.
wayne
That's okay, my shout. I know how hard it can be travelling around on a budget.
WAYNE pull’s out his wallet and puts some money on the table.
wayne
(cont.) Well, thanks for joining me. I'll drop you back off at Jennifer's.
mary
Yes, thank you, you seem to bring things down to earth for me.
Two cops on horses ride slowly past the cafe. WAYNE and MARY can be seen inside. The cops, MICKY FINN and SUZI survey the land with a quiet intensity. We follow them as they meander through the many alleyways of Chinatown. They stop at one, then turn down it.
MICKY FINN
I can see the day coming when it's going to get up to 50 degrees. What is it today you reckon, 37, 38?
suzi
It's about that.
MICKY FINN
We normally get a couple of 42 to 45 degree days in summer.
suzi
But then there's always a cool change.
MICKY FINN
My point is: what if one day there isn't a cool change? If the Mercury keeps just going up and up and up. 50 might even be a conservative estimate.
suzi
But we'll all roast to death if it gets any higher than that.
MICKY FINN
Yep.
cut to:
Two heroin users are preparing their wares, heating up a spoon that contains their drug. One of them is BEV, the lady with a patch over one eye and a hook arm, the other is a guy, DRUGIE.
Drugie
Come on!
bev
Hey fuck you, I've had to carry around the bag all fucking day.
Drugie
(Injecting himself) Ohhh! Mannn.
bev
(cont.) You never carry the fucking bag around!
GIZZ yells from above.
GIZZ
Why don't you all shut up!
bev
(Back to apartment dweller) Hey you shut up you maggot! Stupid maggot, fucking prick!
People going to the Chinese restaurants around the scene look away trying to ignore the commotion. One person won't though, Constable MICKY FINN on his horse. He rides with his partner to the group of junkies, as a flower pot smashes near BEV's head. She looks up to the apartments.
bev
What the fuck cunt did that?!
DRUGIE, needle in arm, jumps as he recognises the broken flower pot moments later. He then collapses from the drug, and starts frothing at the mouth and convulsing. BEV looks up and sees the dark, towering figure of MICKY FINN.
MICKY FINN
Don't you know people are trying to eat around here?
bev
(Starts to speak very innocently) We are just victims officer . . .
Motions her to shut up with a wave of his hand. He then starts contemplating as he sits high on his horse, he pulls out his radio.
micky finn
Micky Finn to base. Roger.
base
Roger.
micky finn
We've got an O.D down Tattersalls Lane, can you send an ambulance along.
MARY and WAYNE walk around the corner, MARY notices BEV and her hook arm. BEV swallows here heroin. MARY points out BEV to WAYNE and he yells to the cop.
wayne
Hey mate, that woman assaulted my friend last night! The one with the hook!
MICKY FINN
(Turning back to BEV) Okay lady, party's over. Drugs are one thing and assault's another thing altogether.
WAYNE and MARY have walked down to MICKY FINN and SUZI is down pounding the chest of the DRUGIE.
mary
That crazy lady assaulted me last night.
bev
Come on (she raises her hook again) how do you know it was me.
MICKY FINN
(Pulls out his notepad) Well we are going to have to take a report I think missy. What's your full name?
bev
Sinead O'Connor.
suzi
You are not Sinead O'Connor!
MICKY FINN
(Writes that down) We'll get your real name down at the station. (To MARY) And what's your name?
MARY
Ah, Tina.
MICKY FINN
Surname?
mary
Um, Jones.
MICKY FINN
Mrs or Miss.
WAYNE starts talking to the horse. An ambulance arrives and two guys get out, they start pounding the DRUGIE's chest.
wayne
Must be a bit hot out here for you guys.
horse
Tell us about it.
mary
Miss.
The ambulance guys start giving electric shocks to DRUGIE.
bev
Why don't you get her real name while you're at it.
MICKY FINN
(Pulls out his handcuffs and nabs BEV) Come on lady, let's go.
bev
(To MARY) I know who you are. You don't fool me. I cut your hair, remember. (points to WAYNE) Does your little toy-boy know?
MICKY FINN
(Radios to his base) Micky Finn here again, I'm bringing in an alleged Miss O'Connor for questioning.
base v.o
Roger.
MARY looks nervously at BEV, BEV bears her teeth like a vicious animal.
MICKY FINN
Come on, enough of that, let's go down the station.
bev
You got air conditioning there?
MICKY FINN
Of course we have air conditioning. Think we'd ride around on these hot horses all day and then go back to a hot station?
wayne
Let's go Tina. You don't really want to see this part of Australia.
suzi
Hang on. We'll need you to come down the station if you want to file a complaint. Otherwise we'll just have her on dealing. Here's our card, give us a call.
She hands MARY her card.
bev
(Barely audible) Let's go Mary, let's go.
WAYNE looks at MARY, she shrugs her shoulders, as the police take Bev away and the ambulance guys throw DRUGIE in a body bag. DRUGIE starts moving again inside the bag.
drugie
Hey!
mary
I don't think I should be here. I will just go home, explain that I went a little crazy and things will be okay.
wayne
I'm sure everything will be okay.
WAYNE opens the doors that leads into his apartment building. MARY stares at him.
mary
How can you know that? You don't even know a tiny bit of my situation.
wayne
Let's just say a little bird told me.
WAYNE taps his nose and then they both enter the building.
wayne
So what are you doing tonight? We're having a little party at my house…
mary
I don't think I'll be here. (She runs her hands through her short hair and realises that she doesn't have her long pony tail and mutters something in Romanian.) I've got to get back to my life. I think I have a lot of explaining to do.
wayne
Oh.
mary
Look, this is not necessarily anything to do with you, or anyone else. Okay?
wayne
No worries, take care of yourself.
WAYNE smiles, MARY turns, takes off her glasses she leans over and gives WAYNE a kiss on the cheek. She unlocks JENNIFER's door and enters. WAYNE is left standing breathing heavily, the area turns to ice, with every breath a cloud of mist rises, he taps some icicles to the tune of summer loving, as he walks up the stairs.
JENNIFER, in a bathing suit, lays in a children's wading pool, with a fan blowing over her. Whale music plays in the background.
jennifer
You're back.
mary
Just to say goodbye.
jennifer
Oh. I guess I'll just have to throw out all this food then.
JENNIFER
points to a lavish banquet of fresh fruit, nuts, salad and nice breads
and things laid out on a huge picnic blanket near the pool.
mary
Oh my god! You made all of this!
jennifer
That's
okay, if you've got to go you've got to go. I can leave it on the step
for the homeless people. Though, would anyone really miss you for
another couple of hours?
mary
It's quite possible.
JEAN drives around the roads like a madman, cutting corners, getting the car to stand on two wheels.
jean
I will find you my little bean!!!
jennifer
If they need to find you they will. I once disappeared for fifteen years.
JENNIFER gets out of the pool, and goes over to her cupboard and pulls out a bottle of wine, then gets some ice cubes from the freezer. She returns to the pool and empties the ice tray into the water.
mary
Where did you go?
jennifer
(pouring drinks) some island off Thailand, I think. Don't remember much of it.
She turns around to show her bum, on it there is a tattoo of a golden mushroom.
jennifer
Somehow I ended up with this tattooed on my arse.
She hands MARY a drink.
mary
No, no, no. I don't think I should drink!
Jennifer
Don't worry Mary, it's bio-dynamic.
She hands MARY a glass, whale music still plays in the background. JENNIFER picks up her remote control.
jennifer
Maybe we need something a bit faster.
She presses the c.d changer and the music changes to some weird techno music.
jennifer
That’s interesting. (pause) Just have a sip.
JENNIFER sits back in the pool.
mary
You do know who I am!
jennifer
I don't know who you are, I just know your name. I must say, if I can be so bold, that I get the impression that you don't really want to go back to certain elements in your life.
mary
You might be right there.
She sits back on the couch and sips a bit of wine.
JEAN is parked at a set of traffic lights which are red. A group of homeboys (looking like LA gangsters) drive up beside him in a Monaro. The homeboys look at JEAN, JEAN looks at them, they start to rev their engines.
jean
You want a piece of me punks?
The lights turn green, the two cars race off, squealing their wheels.
JENNIFER sits in the pool. A half-empty bottle of wine and many empty plates sit by the pool. JENNIFER blows into the fan (making a funny sound). Mary, now in a bathing costume sips the last of her glass of wine. JENNIFER stretches her back.
jennifer
A Thai monk once told me, “never take life too seriously”.
mary
I wished they'd tell my mother and boyfriend that. (she sips a little more wine) Do you have a husband?
jennifer
He passed onto the other side a year ago tomorrow.
mary
I'm sorry.
jennifer
Oh, it's not so bad, I still feel he's with me in some ways.
JENNIFER gets up, grabs a towel and goes into her room. She returns and raises her hands in Shakespearean style, a la Hamlet, holding up a skull.
jennifer
Oh Henry, you were a man of jest.
MARY chokes on her wine. She stares in disbelief.
cut to:
WAYNE (still tripping) and GIZZ each have a cup of coffee in their hands, they sit on deck chairs, staring at the clouds.
wayne
Do you believe in love at first sight?
gizz
I guess it's...possible. Let me think, I'm at a club, see some guy, and, yes, I do want to have sex with him as soon as I can.
wayne
I meant romantic love...
TED GREEN comes out onto the balcony and stands over GIZZ.
ted
Alright geezer.
GIZZ spills his coffee over himself, then jumps up and wipes himself off.
gizz
Where did you come from?
ted
I climbed in through the window. How's it going camper?
TED pinches GIZZ's cheeks very hard.
gizz
Yeah, good, we were just having a little break.
ted
A little break, that's just honky dory isn't it. Now I just want to tell you in no certain terms that I's got you in my sights and I's watching you little faggot and you little faggot friends. Mr Pitt…
wayne
You don't like working for Mr Pitt do you?
TED rubs his eyes with his hands, then turns to WAYNE.
ted
Am I hearing fings? What did you just say fairy boy?
gizz
Wayne!
wayne
Why don't you just quit...that's what I did with my job.
ted
Oh just up and quit did you? Obviously someone doesn't have a computer chip inserted somewhere in the back of his head that's attached to a button that sends electric shocks to his brain. It's all well and good for you to say quit, but the reality of it is a totally different reality altogether, Oh Christ I've lost my thinking. What's your name sonny Jim?
wayne
Wayne.
TED grabs WAYNE by his collar and pats him on the cheek.
ted
Well, Wayne. I'd just shut up if you knew what was good for you!
From WAYNE's POV Ted is dressed as a clown, he hands him some jellybeans.
ted
Jellybeans are good for you!
Back to "normal" POV.
wayne
Okay that sounds fine, would you like a beer?
TED drops WAYNE, he gives him a little friendly slap on the face then smiles, he pulls out a gun.
ted
You got some balls there boy.
wayne
Thanks, I'm sure yours are bigger though.
TED points the gun at WAYNE's crotch, and cocks his gun. GIZZ faints and lays on the ground.
ted
Just watch that they don't get blown off. Now, I might take you up on that beer.
TED puts his gun away. WAYNE goes inside. TED gives GIZZ a little kick
ted
What's up with you?
wayne
(from inside) You want an Australian beer or an Italian beer!
ted
I-talian beer?
wayne
Yeah, it's from Italy.
ted
Oh well, it's from It-aly is it?
WAYNE brings out an Italian beer.
wayne
Yeah.
TED grabs the bottle and drinks it.
ted
Quite refreshing.
wayne
It surprising isn't it? (he takes a sip) So, you're a stand-over man.
ted
So to speak.
wayne
How did you get into that?
ted
I don't know, I started hitting people, and I found I liked it. So everything set for tomorrow?
TED drinks his drink, he lays back and stares at the clouds.
wayne
Yeah, everything's done. (he sips his beer). So, have you ever been in love?
TED gives a mean stare to WAYNE.
ted
What sort of faggot question is that?
wayne
Just asking.
TED sips his beer and stares at the clouds, they transform into all sorts of shapes, elephants, smiley faces, flowers.
ted
Now that you mention it, there was a girl called Maria.
TED smiles.
ted
(cont.) she was a buxom lass. I can still remember her there in the piazza in Rome.
A young TED walks towards a café table holding a big bunch of flowers, looking like a character from a coffee ad. A beautiful woman, looking a little like Marilyn Munroe, waves to him, he skips towards her, but trips, landing face first into some mud, the woman laughs. A car pulls up and a group of gunmen get out and start shooting up the café, the woman is shot several times.
young ted
No!
The car pulls away. YOUNG TED runs over to her, blood pours from her chest, he tries to stop it, but the woman's body goes limp.
The sun is going down, TED sits on the edge of the deck chair staring at it in silence.
ted
You never know with love, it can leave you crying or could leave you dying.
wayne
Did you find out who did it?
ted
No, but when I do I'm going to thrust something sharp into his chest until he is so dead. Anway, I got appointments, cheers for the beer, I'll see you tomorrow.
wayne
No worries.
TED leaves. GIZZ gets up off the ground WAYNE stares down into JENNIFER's window. The sun goes down very quickly.
MARY goes to the window and looks up at the stars.
mary
What should I do?
jennifer
We have a little saying in Australia: Dump the bastard and move on. You are a grown, beautiful, intelligent, highly successful woman, what are you thinking staying with an utter Neanderthal like that. And you might want to tell that mother of yours to take her finger from out of her arse at the same time!
JENNIFER gets the phone and puts it on the table.
jennifer
(cont.) But it's your call dear, don't let me interfere.
mary
No, I think you might be right. (she picks the phone up and dials) It's the right time to do this.
jennifer
Afterwards we can get you ready for the ball.
The phone rings.
WAYNE stands talking to GIZZ, cast and crew members dance around in the background to some loud music. GIZZ pulls out a bag of weed which has "devil buds inside which jump around like Mexican jumping beans.
gizz
Wayne, here's a present, all the way from Mullumbimby, the infamous Mullumbimby Madness, rumoured to have knocked the tits from a bull.
He lights up the joint, which is also moving, it squeals as it is lit.
wayne
How many times have I told you I don't do drugs.
gizz
Go on, try it, this pot will take you to another planet which is as yet, undiscovered.
wayne
No!
gizz
Go on just a little puff.
wayne
No.
gizz
One little puff!
GIZZ holds the joint in front of WAYNE's face, it squirms around.
wayne
No! I'm not giving into peer pressure. And even if I wanted to smoke I don't feel well today, this heat's really knocking me about, I keep seeing mirages.
gizz
Okay, look, sorry mate, I didn't mean to pressure you.
wayne
That's alright.
gizz
Would you like a cookie?
GIZZ hands him some green cookies with bits of marijuana sticking out, WAYNE eats one.
gizz
So where's that foreign girl you've been telling me about? I bet you were just making her up.
wayne
Why would I make her up?
gizz
(mumbling) I don't know LSD perhaps.
Wayne
What?
gizz
Nothing.
CUT TO:
Two guys, JIM and DAN, stand near the punch bowl, JIM pulls out a bit of Jim bean and pours some in, laughing, he then gets out a bit of orange liqueur and pours that in, they both laugh. DAN then pulls out some methylated spirits and starts pouring that in, they both can't control their laughter now.
dan
Whoever drinks this is going to just die!
cut to:
The doorbell rings, a girl goes and looks through the peephole then yells back to the room.
girl
It's the cops!
People run toward the toilets, there is utter chaos, similar to an earthquake scene or the scene from JAWS where the shark attacks on a crowded beach, a baby cries in the middle of the floor. A good-looking GUY rocks back and forth on a chair.
guy
I'm too pretty to go to jail.
People shove drugs down the toilet as someone keeps flushing.
WAYNE goes and looks through the peephole, he goes to open the door.
gizz
Don't open it yet we're not ready!
WAYNE opens the door, revealing a middle-aged country couple, dressed in tennis type gear.
wayne
Hi mum, hi dad.
MUM and DAD enter, they look around the apartment.
mum
We were just down for the tennis, and we thought we'd pop over to see how you were going. Your phone's been engaged since yesterday.
dad
Oh, you've got a little do on.
DAD walks in.
mum
You stay off the grog father.
dad
Yeah, yeah.
People turn and look at the girl who raised the police alarm.
girl
Man, you shouldn't let them in without a warrant. It's like illegal for them to search without a warrant man.
dad
Where's your toilet Wayne?
wayne
Down the hall on the left.
mum
I brought you over some cookies. Oh I see you've already got some, I'll swap you.
MUM gets a dope cookie as GIZZ sneaks off.
MUM sits with WAYNE at the kitchen bench, DAD is over at the stereo putting on some music from the 60s, he then goes over to the punch, where DAN an co. are waiting for someone to drink. DAD grabs a cup and fills it to the brim, he starts sipping it, then stops.
dad
You boys wouldn't have spiked this by any chance would ya?
dan
Us? (suppressed laughter) Why would we do anything like that? (suppressed laughter).
DAD takes a big sip, drinking half the cup. DAN and co. watch as DAD drinks the other half, then wipes his mouth and puts the glass down.
dad
A fruity texture with the slight burning sensation of lamp fluid on the after pallet. Nice job.
DAD walks over to WAYNE and MUM as DAN and co. shake their heads in disbelief.
dad
Your toilet's broken Wayne, got a spanners around, I might as well fix it while I'm here.
wayne
Under the cupboard.
MUM has a cup of tea and reaches for another cookie.
mum
So you've lost your job? And how are you going to pay the rent now? I don't know how they can justify charging so much for a little place like this. If you were in Mallacoota you'd only be paying $80 a week for a place twice as big.
wayne
I don't want to live in the country mum, I want something a bit more cosmopolitan. And I'm doing some writing now, I might get something from that.
mum
I don't know Wayne, you and your funny ideas.
There is another knock on the door. GIZZ goes and answers it, on opening it he discovers JENNIFER and MARY, both dressed in some very fine clothing, similar to clothes worn at a royal ball (Think Cinderella), GIZZ's jaw drops.
gizz
Can I just say that you two look absolutely fabulous.
jennifer
Thank-you master Gizz.
MARY and JENNIFER enter the room, MUM drops here cup of tea, everyone turns their heads and start chatting to one another behind their hands, then, the whole scene changes, everyone is suddenly dressed regally in 19th century clothing. MARY looks over to WAYNE, she smiles, WAYNE waves. The stereo starts playing some orchestral music. ZERA sips a little punch as DAN and co. stand around, she spits it out, over a candle, igniting the mixture into a fireball, everyone politely claps, as the whole bowl of punch catches fire. JENNIFER leads MARY over to WAYNE. MUM bows down and kisses MARY on the hand, she then looks at WAYNE.
wayne
Tina this is mum, mum this is Tina.
mum
Don't you mean Mary? It's an honour to meet you Mary. Don't mind Wayne, he's never been that good with names.
mary
Pleased to meet you Mrs?
mum
You can just call me Bee.
mary
Okay Bee.
jennifer
Why don't you two dance?
wayne
But I don't…
JENNIFER puts their hands together.
Jennifer
Of course you do Wayne. If Mary doesn't mind that is.
mary
It might be fun.
MARY leads WAYNE to the middle of the floor. She curtsies, WAYNE bows uncomfortably. A nice waltz begins to play. They dance around the room, other couples join in and soon the whole room is dancing. JENNIFER takes a cookie form the plate in front of MUM. GIZZ, dancing with another man, comes within earshot of WAYNE.
gizz
You must try that line I told you.
They move apart for another couple of beats.
wayne
I'm not asking her if she's a supermodel.
They move apart for another couple of beats. They spin around and now MARY is in earshot of GIZZ.
mary
I'm a little short to be a supermodel don't you think?
They move apart again. MARY laughs at WAYNE's awkward steps. A fountain of water spurts from the area of the toilet, JENNIFER picks up a jug with water in it, a goldfish lands in it. WAYNE and MARY waltz past.
wayne
Gizz, told me that fish had run away! Geeze he's liar.
mary
You are funny, you know that?
DAD walks out with a spanner in his hand, dressed as a jester, covered in water, MUM hits him with a 19th century fan. The waltzers all turn and laugh. The water subsides. The waltz finishes, the crowd claps politely, MARY leads WAYNE out onto the balcony as another dance begins.
JEAN storms towards the hotel's doors. BEV and company are loitering nearby.
bev
Got any money to feed my poor children?
jean
Anyone would think we are in the third world here!
A doormen opens the doors for him.
jean
(cont.) I will ring the police of this sticky stinking city tomorrow and tell him he should have you all round up and arrested...
Bev
I know where you can find Mary.
JEAN walks in swearing in French. He gets to the lifts and then looks back at BEV and comes out again.
jean
Where is she then?
bev
You'll have to give me one hundred dollars first.
jean
One hundred dollar?! How do I know you know where she is?
bev
You give me a hundred dollars, and then you find out. It’s simple arithmetic. She's got a man as well, they are getting quite friendly...there might even be some nookie.
She makes a hole shape with her hand and puts her hook in and out of it.
jean
How does a street scum like you, know who I am then?
bev
Who magazine.
jean
You read that?
bev
Sometimes someone chucks one into the dumpster and I flick through it.
JEAN pulls out a pile of notes from his wallet. BEV pokes her hook through the middle of the notes and the deal is done.
The music continues in the background. MARY looks up at the clear sky.
mary
Aren't the stars wonderful?
A shooting star streaks through the sky, the Milky Way swirls with cosmic activity, parts of it glowing red, others blue and yellow, a slight breeze blows.
wayne
So, are you Tina or Mary, I'm confused?
mary
It doesn't matter.
wayne
It's nice that you came, I feel I know you somehow.
mary
Thank you.
MARY sits on the end of a deckchair and looks up at the sky.
mary
I miss the stars in the mountains, they don't seem so far away.
wayne
I miss the sound of the waves rolling into shore just before sunrise.
MARY leans over and holds WAYNE's hand, they both look into each other's eyes then kiss.
mary
Good night.
She walks away, the party has finished, the lights are off inside, the camera moves over to the bird cage as WAYNE falls asleep… staring into the sky.
All is silent as the stars begin to disappear in the sky and sun edges towards the horizon. BUDGIE awakes and starts to chirp, then he flies down and boots up the computer and types a few last minute changes.
A digital alarm clock springs to life flashing 4.30 am. WAYNE, still in the deckchair, wakes up. He pulls a post-it note from his forehead. It reads: remember to pick up Mary on the way. Love Jennifer. He walks inside as the computer's printer spits out some new bits of script on pink paper. WAYNE comes back and grabs them and brings them back into the flat. Below, in the street, the garbage men are emptying rubbish bins noisily.
GIZZ is frantically searching for something. WAYNE grabs a bag and stuffs the pink paper into it. The floor is all wet and they both splash around in puddles, there is a burnt table in the background.
gizz
Stress penguin, stress penguin! Where in hell is my stress penguin?
GIZZ is lifting rubbish, looking under tables, in search of his stress penguin.
gizz
I'm not going without Pengoo!
wayne
What Pengoo?
gizz
Pengoo! My stress penguin, I'm meant to be giving up smoking today and I need my stress penguin!
GIZZ pulls out a cigarette and tries to light it, but the lighter doesn't work so he throws it against the wall, and the cigarettes are all wet, so he throws them in the bin.
gizz
Oh stuff it! The world's against me!
wayne
Let's just go.
Wayne rolls over his sleeping DAD, who is obstructing the door, underneath he finds Pengoo the stress penguin -- one of those sort of rubbery toy-like things that you squeeze in your hand when stressed, like a stress ball. DAD begins to wake.
wayne
Morning dad.
dad
Oh jeeze, did I sleep on the floor again? Your mother's going to be livid.
MUM sits in the cupboard chewing on the last remains of the dope cookies like a mouse.
WAYNE throws Pengoo at GIZZ and hits him in the head, GIZZ picks it up and begins squeezing it frantically. WAYNE walks out of the door, GIZZ follows. GIZZ holds up Pengoo and talks to it.
Gizz
I think you cause more stress than you cure!
He squeezes Pengoo extra hard, but the penguin just takes it like he is designed to do.
WAYNE presses the buttons on the elevator quite a few times, when it doesn't arrive immediately, he heads down the stairs. GIZZ waits at the door pressing the buttons with Pengoo's head.
wayne
Got to get Tina.
gizz
It's Mary Wayne.
wayne
Mary/ Tina, who knows with women?
GIZZ goes and vomits in a waste-paper basket, then wipes his mouth off and tries to neaten his hair as the elevator door opens.
WAYNE knocks at JENNIFER's door. JENNIFER answers with a cup of herbal tea in her hand and a cheery smile — new age music plays in the background. MARY sits on the couch drinking a cup of tea.
jennifer
Hi, all set for the big day?
She stretches her leg behind her in an amazing yoga move.
In the alleyway we can hear a car honking its horn.
wayne
That would be the car?
MARY sips her tea, she gathers her things and walks to the door.
mary
Good morning.
wayne
Good morning to you too.
jennifer
Have fun.
wayne
Okay.
MARY walks out of the door.
JENNIFER
Go on, she's not the type of girl who likes waiting around. Good luck.
WAYNE follows MARY in silence, JENNIFER closes the door.
MARY and WAYNE stand uncomfortably in the lift.
wayne
It's pretty early to be getting up aye?
mary
I have been getting up at this time for the last 20 years. (pause) This lift is slow.
wayne
Oh, sorry.
WAYNE presses the button and the lift begins to descend, he begins to hum "all you need is love". MARY smiles, but covers it up with her hand. The lift reaches the bottom, the door opens.
The two walk out the door.
wayne
My uncle used to have a dairy farm, I used to have to get up early when I stayed over there, to milk the cows.
mary
I wasn't allowed to touch any animals.
wayne
Half your luck.
An old blue Mazda sedan is in the narrow alleyway with three occupants: two poorly dressed men (in the front seat) and a very well dressed woman, CARMEL. Two garbage men, emptying bins, stare at the car's occupants. The Mazda crew recoil in their seats. GIZZ comes out and opens the car door, he falls in beside the well-dressed lady, who is sitting in the back seat. WAYNE and MARY arrive.
mary
Did you milk them by hand?
wayne
No way! You'd be there all day. The only time I ever did a hand job was when my grandfather took me to the Big Cow on a trip to Queensland.
WAYNE pops his head into the car.
wayne
You better shove over.
gizz
There's not enough room for two more Wayne. God!
GIZZ moves over anyway and is far too close to CARMEL for both of their likings. There is still not quite enough room for two. Outside one of the garbage men purposely scrape a rubbish-bin down the side of the car.
Russell
We've got to get out of here guys. The Garbos are getting restless. You know they're run by the Mafia.
WAYNE gets in but still there isn't quite enough room for MARY. Gizz holds up Pengoo and squeezes him tightly.
wayne
Shove over some more? There's still not enough room for us.
GIZZ and CARMEL are squeezed to one side like sardines. WAYNE gets in, but MARY stands there, surveying the situation, WAYNE moves over some more so MARY can have a fair space.
wayne
Sorry about the tight squeeze.
MARY slowly gets in, WAYNE moves over some more, shoving GIZZ practically onto CARMEL's lap, MARY has enough room to sit comfortably beside the other three squashed occupants. The car starts and reverses. As they drive out of Chinatown a little more light is showing. Moments later light rain falls; the drops glow an amber colour as the first signs of light emerge.
CARMEL’S phone rings, she answers.
carmel
Hi Bruce (pause) Mary Jane, who's that?
GIZZ turns to CARMEL. He grabs the phone.
Gizz
Yes, Mary's coming (he holds his hand over the phone) I don't mean you Mary, I mean a different Mary. (talks back into phone) What? No, we had to flush it all. Look, it's a long story, I'll tell you when we get there.
A green Peugeot drives past the garbage truck and enters the alleyway, it pulls up at the door leading to the apartments, JEAN gets out mumbling to himself in French as he walks up the stairs.
jean
Il y a peut-etre eu un malentendu! Bang-bang! (Translation: I think there has been some misunderstanding, Bang-bang!)
We stay on the outside of the building and hear JEAN's footsteps and expletives as he climbs to the appropriate level and knocks on JENNIFER'S door.
jean
(politely) Excuse me madam, I am Mary's brother and would like to know where she is.
jennifer
Oh, she just left dear, she'll be back later.
jean
Oh Merde! I 'ave to get to her very quickly for she is...sick and I 'ave her medicine. She could die otherwise.
jennifer
Oh what's wrong with her?
jean
It's (h)er (h)eart. It is...broken.
jennifer
She seemed okay to me.
jean
Look! Just tell me where she is or I'll shoot your brains out!!
jennifer
Okay, okay, just remain calm. (pause) You know stress gives you cancer.
jean
So they keep telling me...
screen title: a few minutes later
JEAN gets back into his car, still swearing, and drives off.
JENNIFER is tied up and gagged, she tries to loosen the rope but gives up, she then leans over to her CD player and presses play with her nose and a self help tape comes on.
self help tape
Now sit back, relax. Feel all your tensions just floating away...
GIZZ and CARMEL are having a little sarcastic discussion on the one side of the car, MARY whispers to WAYNE.
MARY
What do you think about?
wayne
(Looking out the window at the continuing rain.) Nothing much. Thinking is a bit over rated. (He notices a police car) Quick seatbelts!
Everyone puts their seatbelts on. They go past the cops and everyone unbuckles again.
Wayne
Sorry, you're probably not used to this sort of thing I guess.
mary
No, I'm not at all. But, I want to make widen my horizons.
MARY looks over at GIZZ, who is looking like Death, and whispers in WAYNE’s ear.
mary
Does your friend smoke drugs?
wayne
Yeah, he sometimes does.
mary
Do you?
wayne
No, never.
GIZZ is listening in on the conversation, he tries to suppress his laughter, but he can't. WAYNE turns to him.
wayne
What?
gizz
Nothing.
The car drives out of the city, RUSSELL turns on the radio and some graveyard shift announcer says goodbye and hands the airwaves over to a bright morning show presenter, who puts on some really happy summer music.
morning show presenter
Hey, hey, hey, welcome to another hot day here on 3KKK.
The song continues as they drive off.
The sun is just over the horizon now. The crew people, including BRUCE, QUENTIN and SHERYL, stand around looking nervous, all smoking cigarettes. There are a couple of actors there too, the leads, RICHARD and AGATHA.
bruce
Man I hope they arrive soon.
sheryl
Come on! Where are they?
SHERYL lights another cigarette, BRUCE chews on his fingernails and starts reading the newspaper, which has a headline, "Mary Disappears, Again". The CAMERA ASSISTANT comes along, he is a bright young hippy sucking on a lozenge.
CAMERA ASSISTANT
Should I test out some light for you?
bruce
What have you got in your mouth?
CAMERA ASSISTANT
A lozenge.
bruce
Give us one.
In the distant a strange, kind of melodic tune can be heard. BRUCE, SHERYL and QUENTIN spring to their feet. The sound gets stronger. It is the sound of an ice-cream van playing the traditional "Green Sleeves (??)". Then, in the distance the van can be seen. The three look instantly happy.
bruce
You beauty! Now we can start.
The van's driver opens the country gate and then drives onto the field. When he arrives at the shoot, he is swamped by crew, ordering coffees. In the background the blue Mazda drives onto the field. This is followed by an old red Renault. The rain has eased and the sun is rising. The Mazda's occupants climb out of the car. The Renault pulls up and TED GREEN gets out, he opens a black umbrella and puts it over his head; he wears dark sunglasses and he has a bright orange fold-up chair under his arm. He notices the crew feeding and coffee frenzy, he then walks up to GIZZ, who has just stepped out of the car.
ted
When's this show getting on the road?
gizz
(Nervously) Everything's set to go Mr Ted. Soon as the sun's up a little more. (He pulls WAYNE over and sorts through his bag and pulls out the pink paper to show TED) Wayne here is one of the best in the business and we've got today’s lines here and they are superb, Wayne here has taken full responsibility for that.
TED smiles his evil smile.
ted
Good. (He looks at the sky) Why anyone would bother illuminating this pitiful planet is beyond me, if I was God, I’d just let everyone perish in darkness. (pause) Send me over some coffee and somethin' with sugar in please.
TED walks away towards a coolabah tree and sets up his bright chair. GIZZ goes over to the van and finds BRUCE sipping a coffee.
gizz
So everything's ready Bruce?
bruce
(Munching on some sweets) what the hell happened to the Lumberjacks?
GIZZ hands him a soggy sheet of paper.
gizz
This is all that's left, I don't even know if there's anything on them.
He hands Bruce the pink paper.
bruce
Oh man, they smell like urine.
gizz
Best I can do sorry.
bruce
And what the hell are you doing with pink paper, these late changes are meant to be on Yellow.
Gizz storms off squeezing Pengoo.
gizz
Pink paper, yellow paper, who the hell cares!
QUENTIN, BRUCE and SHERYL have a bit of a snigger to themselves, GIZZ throws over a bag of weed. GIZZ goes over to CAMERA ASSISTANT, who is lying in the grass looking very pale, and shakes him.
gizz
Hey mate, we need some coffee and something sweet for the guy under the tree, pronto. Understand?
CAMERA ASSISTANT
Oh, yeah. Yeah? Coffee.
GIZZ shoves a pill or two into CAMERA ASSISTANT's mouth and drags him over to the catering van where an Arabic/ middle eastern type guy stands. WAYNE and MARY are also getting some food.
wayne
I don't know, cows are funny creatures.
mary
I like goats.
arabic guy
Yes my friend. What you like?
wayne
Do you have any sweets?
arabic guy
We have baklava, we also have shawarma, felafel, Turkish coffee, espresso coffee, souvlaki ...
wayne
Goats! My mother used to make me drink goat's milk when I was kid. Said that cow's milk gave me rashes. You could imagine what an embarrassment it was not being able to drink moo juice in such dairy country.
mary
My mother gave me goats milk as well. But that was because all we had in our village was goats and sheep.
GIZZ leans CAMERA ASSISTANT against the side of the van then walks over to the stars of his movie, RICHARD and AGATHA. He hands them both the new PINK script pages, he then takes a good look at AGATHA, who is a rather short Spanish lady.
gizz
Who the hell are you? Where's Eva?
agatha
Si. I am Agatha, I am playing Mar-gar-ret.
gizz
The character's meant to be Australian!
agatha
I am Australian.
gizz
I meant meat-pie munching, football loving Aussies.
agatha
Our family loves football, my cousin used to play for Barcelona.
RICHARD taps GIZZ's shoulder, interrupting him. He looks confused, he looks at the paper, he looks up at GIZZ with a confused look on his face.
RICHARD
What's this?
gizz
Today's changes.
richard
But aren't they meant to be yellow. At film school they said they'd be yellow.
gizz
Well they are not today, they're pink! Pink okay. Fucking pink!
He pulls out Pengoo again.
richard
Oh, I've kind of been trained for yellow paper for late changes. Pink for second...
gizz
Listen Richard. See that man under the tree with the bright orange chair?
richard
Yes.
gizz
He'll sort it out, okay. Then you can practice your lines and we'll be shooting in about half an hour.
richard
Yeah, it's just . . .
gizz
Over there.
agatha
I don't mind the paper. In Barcelona we use all sorts of paper.
gizz
I'm sure you do.
agatha
You bet you.
GIZZ walks past WAYNE and MARY frantically.
gizz
This is all crazy, I'm going insane. Carmel! Where the hell is Carmel?!
He sees CARMEL in the distance and runs to her.
Gizz
Why do we have some Spanish refugee playing the lead character?!
MARY and WAYNE stand together eating some Arabic breakfast treats.
wayne
Well this is what show bizz is like, I always wondered.
mary
You haven’t been on a film before?
wayne
No, have you?
mary
I have been in a film before.
wayne
Really?
mary
Yes, really.
wayne
Pretty boring.
mary
Yes.
wayne
Would you like to go for a walk?
mary
That sounds okay.
WAYNE and MARY go off towards a row of distant trees by themselves. RICHARD comes up to GIZZ, he is shaking and smoking a cigarette, GIZZ takes the cigarette out of his hand and starts smoking it himself.
RICHARD
That man shouldn't be allowed to say things like that (he's almost crying). If he says any more horrible things like that again I'm going straight to the union.
gizz
There, there Richard. Don't get too upset, I'll have a word to him, I promise. You just take a few deep breaths and learn your lines. I'll deal with him, okay.
RICHARD
I won't be treated like that.
GIZZ walks behind RICHARD and gives TED the "thumbs up". TED raises his thumb in reply as he sips his coffee.
MARY and WAYNE walk through the trees and begin to walk along the creek that snakes it's way around, gurgling with the new rain. They clamber over the smooth, large rocks and enter a rainforest.
The couple walk along.
mary
This is beautiful.
wayne
Yes it is.
mary
Last night, when I kissed you, I didn't mean anything by it.
wayne
Don't worry about that, I'm used to it.
They walk a little further.
mary
You don't ask many questions.
wayne
My grandfather said, "ask no questions, get no flies."
mary
What does that mean?
wayne
I'm not sure.
mary
What did your grandfather do?
wayne
He was a potato farmer. I'm from a long line of potato farmers. My dad wanted me to get into potatoes as well, but I couldn't get into them. Don't get me wrong, I like potatoes, especially in an apple sauce, it sound weird but it's beautiful, anyway I just don't want to be driving around tractors all my life ploughing fields.
The two reach a little creek.
WAYNE skims a rock over the water it bounces three times.
mary
My parents always wanted me to be a tennis star.
wayne
My grandfather thought tennis was for snobs and that ladies who played tennis were all lesbians.
mary
Why did he think this?
wayne
Well, all the farmers in our area used to make home brewed alcohol with their excess potatoes. And there's not much to do in winter 'cept drink it. So you end up going a bit insane.
MARY chucks a rock and it skims about fifteen times.
wayne
(cont.) That's not a bad chuck you've got there.
mary
There were many streams where I grew up.
wayne
In Switzerland?
Mary
No, it was Romania, I just lied about Switzerland.
wayne
And you're really Mary Shine then?
mary
Yes.
wayne
So, Romania, that's the capital of Italy isn't it?
mary
No, that's Rome… But you already know that, don't you?
wayne
Yeah.
He gives her a wry smile and walks off, MARY follows.
The two have reached a clearing in the forest. The sun has risen now and the area is bathed in light. WAYNE sits down on the grass, he pulls out a few snacks from his bag and lays them on a cloth. MARY spins around looking up at the trees.
mary
Why do the trees grow so high, what's the point? They'll just fall over one day.
wayne
They do it so they can photosynthesise better.
MARY closes her eyes and lays down in the grass, WAYNE starts eating some nuts. The sound of insects can be heard.
mary
What are those sounds?
wayne
Bugs.
Some digging can be heard.
mary
No, not the bugs.
MARY stands and listens.
mary
Over there.
She points over to another part of the forest. WAYNE walks over, MARY follows, they reach a log.
cut to:
Soil sprays up from behind a log, as they get closer they can see heaps of flies flying about.
wayne
This could be a wombat, you better stay back, they can be pretty dangerous when they're digging.
As they get within a few meters of the log a man's head appears. It is TREVOR, a rough character in his late 30s.
trevor
Goddamn fucking flies, I told you we should have buried him the night he kicked the bucket.
wayne
Hello!
Another man's head, pops out from behind the log. It is FRED, also rough, also in his late 30s.
wayne
What are you guys up to?
TREVOR and FRED look at each other.
trevor
We were just digging up some plants to take home.
wayne
Don't you know that's illegal?
mary
Wayne, maybe we should just leave, these guys looks rough.
wayne
But you can't just go around digging up the bush, what are our kids going to have to see if people go around doing that all the time. I'm going to call the police.
WAYNE gets out his phone and starts to dial, but TREVOR and FRED, holding spades menacingly, have come over to him and interrupt him.
fred
Put the phone down son and no one will get hurt.
WAYNE drops the phone to the ground, and he and MARY raise their arms, FRED whacks MARY in the head with the spade, she falls to the ground, then TREVOR whacks WAYNE in the head and he follows suit.
MARY and WAYNE are bound and gagged near a dead body wrapped up in a carpet as TREVOR and FRED dig two more shallow graves.
trevor
Oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we deceive.
fred
Shut up Trevor.
trevor
Well Fred, what sort of stupid idea was it to kill your missus for the insurance money, don't you think someone's going to be just a little wise to this caper?
The camera goes up into a tree where a little bird sits, the little bird flies off into the air, it flies through the clouds.
trevor
You're an idiot Fred, lets just face the facts.
fred
Alright, that's it!
FRED whacks TREVOR across the face, TREVOR retorts with his own whacking.
The little bird flies and flies and flies some more.
The little bird reaches BUDGIE.
The little bird makes some bird noises, BUDGIE makes some bird noises, then flies into JENNIFER's apartment.
JENNIFER is being untied by FARMER MAN.
Jennifer
It's so lucky you came.
farmer man
Yep.
jennifer
(now untied) I better call Wayne and Mary and warn them.
farmer man
Yep.
FARMER MAN spots BUDGIE, he goes over to him and puts his ear to his beak as JENNIFER gets on the phone in the background.
farmer man
(to BUDGIE) Yep.
FARMER MAN goes to another room and comes back in a flash as Super Aboriginal, in a red, black and yellow suit, with a mask and cape. He flies out of the window without JENNIFER noticing.
TREVOR and FRED, bruised and bloody faces, start putting soil onto WAYNE and MARY, who are now in their shallow graves, struggling. FARMER MAN lands behind them. He grabs their shovels and they each hit themselves in the face as they try and put one more lot of soil onto WAYNE and MARY. The two criminals turn. FARMER MAN talks to the two in his "language".
trevor
Oh, great, now we have to dig another hole.
FARMER MAN speaks some more of his "language", then he starts spinning around like a mini tornado, whacking the two criminals with his arms, they both fly up into trees and land on branches, unconscious.
a few minutes later…
TREVOR and FRED are tied up in the tree, their legs just dangling over the ground. FARMER MAN speaks more language, then lifts MARY and WAYNE out of their holes, untying them with his x-ray eyes.
wayne
How did you know we were here Super Aboriginal?
farmer man
(in Language, but with subtitles) a little birdy told me.
He flies off, MARY stares in disbelief, wiping dirt from her face.
wayne
That's a relief.
mary
Who, what, am I dreaming?
wayne
Nuh.
Mary
It can't be possible.
wayne
Don't you have super heroes where your from?
mary
We only have these dogs with the flask of vodka around their neck, who go to rescue skiers.
wayne
That sounds handy. We should go for a swim, get rid of this bloody dirt.
WAYNE walks off.
mary
What about these guys? Shouldn't we call the police?
wayne
Nuh, Super Aboriginal hates the cops, just let him deal with these fellas in his own way.
MARY walks after WAYNE. FARMER MAN flies back with some blackberry leaves, he pulls down the two guys trousers, they start to wake up, he puts a big pile of leaves on their crotches then whistles, a couple of goats come along and head towards the leaves.
farmer man
(in language with subtitles) bit of tucker boys.
trevor
(muffled) No!
The goats start making goat sounds as we fade away.
WAYNE starts washing away the dirt from his body and clothes, MARY, rocking back and forth, holding her head sits. She slides into the water and fully immerses herself. She lays back so the water is just covering her face, she just blows bubbles as she watches the sun sparkle on the surface, she sees Super Aboriginal flying through the sky overhead, she watches him as he disappears. She rises again, and looks over to WAYNE, who is washing dirt from his hair, he starts dancing, taping his feet on the rocks.
Wayne
suddenly… I'm not half the man I used to be, now it looks as though I'm here to stay, oh I believe in yesterday.
She puts her head back under water. She can still here the song but from an underwater perspective. She re-emerges, WAYNE is no longer singing, he just floats on his back in the middle of the pool. She puts her head under and the music starts again, then quickly re-emerges to find that it stops.
mary
Maybe we should have our heads attended to.
wayne
Yeah. (pause) Jesus, I totally forgot about that.
WAYNE dives into the water, he comes up for air in another moment. MARY stands up.
mary
Come on, you might have concussion.
wayne
Yeah, it's just…
mary
It's just what?
wayne
I think we're lost.
mary
Great! We're going to die out here.
MARY stamps around in circles.
wayne
I doubt that.
mary
What do you mean you doubt that?
wayne
It wouldn't make any sense, to survive being whacked on the heads with spades then get lost in the bush. Don't worry, I'm going to flip a coin.
WAYNE stands besides MARY, who has started to cry.
wayne
(cont). I'm sorry to have got you involved in all this mess.
mary
It's not your fault.
wayne
Would you like some baklava?
He pulls out some baklava wrapped in plastic. She sobs and eats.
mary
Thank-you. You're a kind person I can tell.
CAMERA ASSISTANT appears in the tree-line with ZERA, they start to strip their clothes off then get into the water.
camera assistant
Do you think there would be any platypuses in here?
zera
I don't know.
CAMERA ASSISTANT sees WAYNE and MARY.
camera assistant
Oh, hello guys!
MARY and WAYNE walk towards the crew with ZERA and CAMERA ASSISTANT.
mary
I have a kind of boyfriend.
wayne
A kind of boyfriend? Do you have one or not?
mary
I do and I don't. I'm confused at present.
The film crew are shooting a scene, RICHARD and AGATHA stand in the field holding hands, going through their lines. One of the crew signal to the approaching figures of WAYNE and MARY to be quiet, as CAMERA ASSISTANT takes up the rear.
RICHARD
Trevor's dead, he's never coming back Margaret.
agatha
(Spanish accent) He was so brave. So brave for to fight for the people of Afghanistan and their freedom. He die fighting for what he believe in.
RICHARD
I would have fought if I could Margaret. Damn you Margaret! You need to come back to the real world.
AGATHA turns her back on him.
agatha
And why didn't you fight?
RICHARD
You know I'm a Buddhist Margaret. I can't take a human life. Besides I have a bad left arm that would fail me and my comrades in the front line. No Margaret it's better for me to stay here and meditate for peace. (He holds her hand) Please be mine Margaret. Forget Trevor, God rest his beautiful soul. I wish it was him here instead of me, but life is funny business Margaret. (He kisses her on the forehead) And God has left me here as your servant.
agatha
Okay Bruce. (She starts to cry) I will try life out on the stud farm. Damn this world and damn death.
AGATHA rests her head on RICHARD'S shoulder and sobs.
RICHARD
Yes damn them Margaret! But move on, be with me.
The two kiss deeply and fall into the grass and begin to take each others clothes off. They roll around for a bit.
gizz
Cut!
The film set comes noisily back to life, but RICHARD and AGATHA are still going for it.
Wayne
So what's this boyfriend of yours like?
mary
Very paranoid, prone to violent acts.
wayne
Sounds like my uncle.
mary
Oh, he probably wouldn't kill anyone. Maybe just hurt them a little. You know what these French people are like.
GIZZ comes over, with the script, to WAYNE, interrupting his conversation with MARY.
gizz
Wayne, nice work, but I have a query here on page 5.
wayne
And what would that be?
gizz
Well it says, 2 parrots fly off into the sunset, as Agatha and Richard make passionate love. What's the deal with the parrots?
WAYNE takes a sip of his coffee, thinks for a moment then speaks.
wayne
It symbolises love…
GIZZ stares at him blankly.
wayne
Look, it's so we don't actually have to show the physical act of love making.
GIZZ thinks for a moment. He turns to walk away, but then remembers something and turns back.
gizz
By the way, we've run out script.
GIZZ turns to the crew and yells...
gizz
Okay that's a wrap!
mary
So what's next?
wayne
Don't know? Some medical attention, some counselling, then I guess we can both just get on with our lives.
They walk towards the medical tent which has a big red cross on it, and people drinking cocktails inside, a bit like M.A.S.H.
mary
I meant with the script.
All of a sudden a car's engine can be heard. We turn and see a green sports car speeding through the field.
JEAN, MARY’s boyfriend, is driving the car. French techno music is playing on the radio. In his left hand he has a silver hand gun. He aims the car at MARY and WAYNE, crew members dive out of the way, spilling their coffee in slow motion as they dive to the ground, their cigarettes tearing apart as they fall. JEAN goes to change gear but accidentally drops his gun, the gun fires and shoots him in his upper leg, his foot slams down on the gas as he accidentally turns the wheel to the right, it is now aimed at TED, still sitting on his bright orange chair, underneath the tree. TED sees the car hurtling towards him and pulls out his gun, but before he even has time to fire, JEAN slams on the brakes, turning the car sideways and slamming it into the tree, his head goes forward and he is knocked unconscious. TED, now on the ground, stands up and brushes himself off, he walks over to the car, pulls out JEAN by the shirt and puts a gun to his head. MARY runs over with WAYNE.
mary
Don't shoot him! It's just my jealous boyfriend, don't take any notice of him, he's just seeking attention.
TED is shivering with rage, he turns the gun towards the car. The French techno music is still playing on the car radio, he turns his gun towards it and shoots it, it then stops. MARY bends down to JEAN, who is barely conscious.
mary
We have to talk Jean, remember what the therapist said, this is not appropriate behaviour.
JEAN loses consciousness. GIZZ turns to WAYNE, nudges him and makes a lewd jester by thrusting his hips forward in a sex motion. WAYNE, slaps GIZZ on the head. GIZZ grimaces.
gizz
Don't hit me in the head like that! Jesus, my teeth smacked together.
wayne
You should learn some manners then.
ZERA hands GIZZ a joint. GIZZ happily accepts. GIZZ rubs his head.
Gizz
(Campy) what’s up Wayne’s arse then?
cut to:
The cops have arrived at the set, in two cars - they are taking JEAN away in one. MARY is talking to the police from the other vehicle, WAYNE watches from a distance. MARY comes over to him after they have spoken, the remaining crew are all looking at her now.
mary
Wayne, I've got to go back with the police and sort this whole thing out.
WAYNE is silent for a moment, He then gives her a wild flower.
wayne
It's a little squashed, and wet.
mary
Thanks.
wayne
You should call before you leave Australia.
mary
Maybe.
wayne
Yeah.
MARY shakes WAYNE’s hand then gets into the car, she looks out of the window as the car drives off. WAYNE is left standing watching MARY disappear into the distance as the film crew finish packing up in the background. The car disappears in the distance, all the other cars follow. TED drives to WAYNE, he winds down his window.
ted
Life's a bitch on heat kid.
TED gives WAYNE a boiled lolly, then drives off. The blue MAZDA drives up and WAYNE gets in.
screen title: two weeks later
A blue car is parked by a river.
AGATHA and RICHARD are sitting in a car.
agatha
Bruce, if there is any chance that Trevor is still alive, then I must be with him.
RICHARD
Forget about him Agatha, he's dead!
agatha
No Bruce, I still have the feeling that he might be alive.
All of a sudden a figure appears from the back seat, it is that of a crazed man, TREVOR.
trevor
You two-timing wench! You said you'd love me forever.
TREVOR pulls out a butcher’s knife.
agatha and RICHARD
Ahhhh!!!!!!!
Blood sprays onto the windows of the car. We pull back to see the shocked film crew.
gizz
Cut! That's a day, pack it up.
WAYNE sits by TED, who leans over to him.
ted
I thought she had it coming.
GIZZ walks over to WAYNE.
gizz
We need to talk Wayne.
wayne
What about?
gizz
Well, maybe we should walk and talk.
WAYNE shrugs his shoulders and leads GIZZ off.
gizz
Wayne, this wasn't quite the ending that I was imagining. What happened to all the birds and things, the love-making?
wayne
They flew off, left me to my own devices.
gizz
Are you having troubles at home?
wayne
For God sake man, I live with you, cut this director crap. Change it yourself if you don't like it.
WAYNE storms off. GIZZ is left by himself. TED comes over to him.
ted
I like that boy.
GIZZ looks genuinely concerned, he is lost in his own thoughts.
gizz
Hey Ted. Do you think you might be able to hold the fort for me a while tomorrow.
ted
Why?
gizz
Wayne's right Ted, I think I have to do something myself.
There is a sign that reads: PLAYERS ONLY, GIZZ is sneaking around trying to spot someone, presumably MARY. He jumps up and down in the crowd trying to see in. A SECURITY GUARD notices him and keeps his eye on him. GIZZ spots MARY.
gizz
Mary!
MARY doesn't hear him, she goes into a player's tent. GIZZ tries to run in but the security guard stops him.
gizz
I just have to see Mary about something.
security guard
Sorry pal, players only.
gizz
I'm a personal friend!
security guard
Sure you are pal.
gizz
You don't know who you are dealing with here sir, I'm a very important person.
security guard
That's what they all say mate. But I'll let you in on a little secret, if you are important, you don't have to tell us you're important, because we know.
gizz
Listen you nimrod...
Before he can finish his sentence another two security guards pick him up and carry him off.
gizz
Where the hell are you taking me?! I won't be treated like this!
He looks down at the big blokes who are holding him.
gizz
You may have the muscles tough guys, but no one's impressed. You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
The two guards throw GIZZ onto the pavement.
gizz
I hope your dicks all shrivel up and fall off. Steroid abusers.
GIZZ looks around and notices the fanatical Mary supporters dressed as MARY, they now have much shorter red hair of course. This gives GIZZ an idea.
cut to:
GIZZ, dressed like Mary has managed to make his way back into the centre. He stands outside centre court, there is a board up on the outside that shows that MARY SHINE is playing a semi-final's match with MELANIE HESSE. GIZZ notices MARY in the distance and walks briskly towards her, he passes the same security guards who threw him out as his wig begins to slide, he quickly recovers it and goes up to her, she doesn't recognise him.
gizz
Could I have an autograph Mary?
MARY throws her hands up.
mary
I'm meant to be in there now.
gizz
Oh, go on Mary, it'll be quick.
GIZZ hands an autograph book over, MARY opens it and sees a big, sad face drawn in pen with the words: Wayne is sad. MARY looks into GIZZ's eyes, she writes something down, then hands back the pad and walks off.
WAYNE sits watching the tennis on television. BUDGIE is now in a cage with a padlock on it. GIZZ comes out onto the balcony with a bottle of tequila.
gizz
Fancy a drink Wayne?
wayne
No thanks man.
gizz
Joint?
wayne
No, it's fine thanks.
GIZZ pours himself a drink and lights a joint.
gizz
Tennis tickets perhaps?
wayne
What?
gizz
Mary gave us some tickets.
wayne
What, did you see her?
gizz
I just bumped into her.
wayne
What did she say?
gizz
She didn't say anything.
wayne
Oh.
gizz
Come on, see her one last time before she leaves the country…
wayne
No, there's better coverage on Television, and it's too hot.
gizz
So you are just going to quit then. Why don't you get in there and give it a go?
wayne
It'd never work out.
gizz
Sometimes things don’t work out Wayne. Take Adolf Hitler, he thought things should have worked out for him, but they didn't. and that turned out to be a good thing, as he was a bit on the evil side.
wayne
A bit?
gizz
That's probably not a good example.
WAYNE gets up and moves to the railing as MARY wins the match.
wayne
Nuh, I might just move back to Mallacoota for a while and relax a bit.
gizz
Hey, hang on a minute. I had to dress up like a woman -- and I got manhandled -- just to get you these tickets. I think the least you could do is show up for an hour or so.
wayne
You like dressing up like women and being manhandled, that doesn't mean anything.
gizz
That's not the point. The point is, I love you Wayne -- as a friend -- and I don't want to see you sad. Whether she likes you or not is irrelevant. The important thing is that you've got friends who'll go out and make fools of themselves for you and you're not even the least bit grateful! Oh stuff it, drown in your own goddamn misery, see if I care!
He storms off, but then comes back for his drink. On television MARY is giving an interview.
interviewer
Mary, you seem to be back to your peak now. How do you explain your sudden turn around .
mary
I don't know. I think it's just good country air and beautiful water.
BUDGIE flies down to the computer screen and starts pecking away, WAYNE looks back and sees that the cage's lock has been melted away.
BUDGIE
Follow your heart Wayne, follow your heart.
GIZZ comes back out.
wayne
Okay I'll go.
GIZZ looks at the bird, he leans over to WAYNE.
gizz
He's definitely looking at me now isn't he?
The Virtual Blimp hovers over the tennis court as MARY and DANSKA play below. The score reads: Shine 4,7,2 DANSKA's reads: 6,6,4. It also shows that this is the women’s final match. The two girls stop for drinks at the change of ends.
WAYNE, GIZZ and the film's two leads, AGATHA and RICHARD sit courtside. AGATHA and RICHARD are kissing passionately, GIZZ turns around to them.
gizz
Would you two mind getting your tongues out of each other's throats, I'm trying to watch the bloody tennis!
RICHARD
(coming up for air) Well there's nothing going on at the moment.
gizz
That doesn't mean you have to have sex in the grandstand.
GIZZ bends down under his seat and pulls out a hash pipe, he lights it and takes a few puffs. He raises his head. WAYNE looks like a sad piece of work, sulking in his seat.
wayne
She hasn't even looked up.
gizz
Look she's concentrating she can't be looking up at your sad figure all the time. Honestly, you've been sulking around all game! Eat some strawberries or something.
AGATHA and RICHARD are at it again and their romance is being televised on the virtual blimp, the crowd watches in fascination as a hand comes on screen and slaps RICHARD on the head. The girls come back onto court, MARY is serving, she serves and they rally a bit before she wins the point. MR PITT and TED suddenly appear next to where WAYNE and GIZZ are sitting. GIZZ turns and suddenly notices who's sitting next to him and he jumps up in fright, falling over AGATHA and RICHARD, he then stands up and tries to compose himself.
gizz
Mr Pitt...what brings you here?
Mr pitt
I heard some young fit men, in tight shorts, might be running around sweating.
MR PITT puts on a bib and an usher places a crystal bowl of strawberries and cream in his lap, he eats one. He eats another strawberry. TED stands blocking his sun.
mr pitt
Don't stand there you stupid idiot! You're blocking my sun.
ted
So.
mr pitt
So? So?! I think a certain henchman needs a certain shock!
MR PITT pushes his shock button, but it doesn't do anything, TED smiles and opens his hand to show MR PITT a little flashing computer chip. As the crowd roars and stands up, TED pulls out a sharpened toothbrush and plunges it into PITT's chest, he then puts a hat over his head and a blanket over his chest.
ted
And I think some fat bastard needs to learn some manners.
GIZZ, who has witnessed all of this, turns pale. TED raises his finger to his mouth.
ted
Love shall set thee free.
TED walks away.
On court MARY has almost won another point, the two women are in a furious rally. Dark clouds again loom in the background, crackling with lightning. MARY has a ball that lands to her far right, instead of hitting it back over the net, she apparently miss-hits it. The ball goes flying into the crowd and hits WAYNE in the head, the crowd laugh and MARY yells out.
mary
Sorry Mate!
MARY goes over to the umpire and says something to her, she then leaves the court.
umpire
There will be a break for a few minutes.
One of the crowd leans over to an on-court assistant.
crowd member
What's going on mate?
assistant
I don't know some sort of injury. I think it's her hamstring.
Another crowd member asks the first one what's going on.
crowd member
Hamstring.
crowd member 2
Oh.
Soon a Chinese Whisper happens, as the news spread up into the grandstand. The message soon reaches WAYNE. GIZZ, as white as a ghost, sits shivering beside him.
gizz
He's d, he's d, he'sd…
wayne
What's going on?
crowd member
Period pain.
wayne
Oh, I guess you have to expect that with women's tennis.
A tennis official comes over to WAYNE.
tennis official
Sir, would you like to come with me?
wayne
Me, what for?
The TENNIS OFFICIAL whispers something in his ear, and WAYNE stands and follows him off GIZZ points at MR PITT but he still can't speak.
MARY is pacing back and forth as WAYNE enters.
wayne
What are you doing?
mary
Now, listen for a moment, I have been thinking...
wayne
You are in the middle of the final...
mary
Oh they can wait. Okay, I have finished with Jean, and I thought, actually it could be nice, just to try out...
wayne
Try out what?
mary
Well, just to get to know you maybe. No promises, we will just see how it goes.
wayne
You want to see me again?
mary
Yes.
wayne
Couldn't you wait another couple of points to tell me this?
mary
I just felt like telling you now. And I was just thinking about it then and I couldn't concentrate. Besides I want that perky breasted cow to suffer a bit more. Anyway, I better get back.
wayne
Wait, I haven't told you my answer.
mary
You don't need to answer me now. I am in the middle of something. I will see you after the match.
She walks back towards the court. The crowd can be heard applauding her return.
WAYNE makes his way back to his seat.
gizz
He's d…, he's d…
The crowd stands to its feet and cheers as MARY wins the open. MARY throws her racket in the air with delight, she goes over to the wall closest to WAYNE. WAYNE applauds. MARY casts a glance over to him.
The heavens begin to burst open, rain begins to bucket down with ferocious force. MARY comes over to the wall closest to WAYNE, still looking at him, she waves him down to the edge. He comes down.
mary
Pull me up!
WAYNE reaches down and tries to pull her up but he loses grip and falls down on top of MARY. They spend a moment recovering, then look into each other's eyes as the water beads off their faces. They sit in the rain.
The court is filling up with water and is becoming more like a swimming pool. People begin diving into the water as security guards frantically try to protect WAYNE and MARY. The water is now up to the couple’s ankles. MARY splashes water up at WAYNE. Up under the cover of some roofing, two parrots look down, one of them is BUDGIE. BUDGIE looks at the other parrot and winks. The two then fly off into the rain.
JOHN DENVER and PLACIDO DOMINGO'S version of "Perhaps Love" plays as AGATHA and RICHARD, totally naked, dive off the stand into the deepening water.
WAYNE and MARY start kissing, they roll around in the water.
the end.
© John R Atwood 2007