To be a writer or screenwriter you need a good balanced diet that costs very little to prepare. Unless, of course, you are highly successful, which means you should have enough money to buy a Porsche and to drive it to fancy cafes to drink cappuccinos.

I am a writer and I often find myself thinking, "jeeze, it'd be good to have something to eat." And then I look in the cupboard and think, "jeeze, it'd be good to have something else in the cupboard besides lentils."

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And they are actually nice if you cook 'em write (that should be right, but write is more humorous).So you take 2 cups of brown lentils - any old cup will do, but not like a big pint beer mug. A wine glass is okay.You take your 2 cups of lentils and you soak them in the water that you have in another container. If you haven't got any water sitting there you should go and get that now, no point waiting for God or Ganesh, as they help those who help themselves. This recipe will still be here when you get back.You soak the little lentils for about 4-5 hours, or until they swell up a bit, picking out any tiny stones that might be hiding amongst them while you wait. For some reason little stones like to hide amongst lentils. You can tell them apart as they don't swell up like the lentils do, no matter how long you leave them in the water, though perhaps if you left them there for a million years something might happen, but time is money and if we all waited that long we would be wasting millions, if not trillions, of dollars/ rupees, we could be spending on defence or better sewage treament plants. So let's be sensible, let's just assume the rocks are never going to swell up.You should not leave the lentils alone for a minute, you should just sit there and watch them slowly swell up. Although, if there is an emergency you can leave them for a time. If the emergency is something that may threaten the lentils, then you should probably take them with you. The times my great grandmother used to have to take a bowl of soaking lentils down into the bunker when the Russians were bombing Berlin in 1945...

On one occasion, she told me, there was an air raid and she managed to save the lentils, and went down into the bunker for 5 hours, and the lentils were soaked and ready to start cooking and she went back, and there was no stove. Well there was, but it was under a big pile of rubble.

Okay, so the lentils are soaked. What you need to do now is to rinse them with fresh water and put them aside for a moment. Then, in a new saucepan or pot, you start the process of turning these things into dhal. I should mention if you want to avoid all the above hassels just buy a tin of pre-cooked brown lentils which cost about one Australian dollar.In that pot/whatever, you put a big spoon of olive oil or ghee in. Don't have the flame too hot, otherwise you'll burn things, just have it simmering ever so slightly. If you've already burnt the oil, start again, for it wrecks the whole thing."Sturdy foundation, sturdy house," my grandmother used to say.So you should have already have finely cut up one medium purple Pakastani carrot, one small onion, and some Indian Saag (not available in most of the world, so substitute English or Australian spinach (blanched in boiling water first to get rid of the bitterness).Purple Pakastani carrots are extremely hard to find, so, if you have to, you can use a yellow one (see the carrot link below).

If you just need to find a Pakistani then you should not have too much trouble in Pakistan.

Put your diced carrot and onion into the oil or ghee that hasn't burnt - again, if it's burnt, start again. You don't want this simple meal to be added to your list of manuscripts and screenplays which people have failed to be in the least bit excited about and which are just sitting in boxes as you decide on whether to become a waiter or barrister. Remembering that being a barrister takes a lot of effort, and if you are thinking of a very easy solution to your answers, then this might not be the path for you.

Brown off the onion, then add these things. These things are best all put together in a small bowl before you've gone to far, so add all these ingredients into a separate bowl before you start (I know it's a bit late to tell you this, but better late than never):

1 teaspoon of Garam Masala (if you don't have a teaspoon, use the depression in the middle of the palm of your hand, the very centre's about a teaspoon and triple that's about a tablespoon)1 teaspoon ground cumin1 teaspoon ground coriander1 teaspoon ground cinnamon1/2 teaspoon ground mild curry powder1/4 teaspoon ground hot chilli pepperA pinch of ground cardamomA pinch of nutmeg A pinch of salt

Cardamom pods

Add more chilli/ Garam/ cumin, according to your own taste. In India they put about 10 teaspoons of chilli in, so, if you are in Indian, do this.

Add all these ingredients to the brown onions and carrot and mix up till they absorb the ghee or oil, then add the lentils, then pour in some fresh water till it just covers the lentils by about 3 centimetres, then add one 500g tin of Italian peeled and diced tomatoes, and mix it up. Then add the saag or spinach and cook the whole lot for about 30 to 40 minutes, checking that the water hasn't all boiled away. If the water all disappears, this is bad. You have to keep adding more water in these circumstances, keeping the water a little above the level of the lentils for the entire process. Don't flood them though, just don't let them dry out cause they'll be dry, and if you are like me you would prefer that they weren't.

TO TELL IF THEY ARE COOKED: Eat a few to see if they are soft and mushy.

If it's not tomatoey enough for your liking, put in a bit of tomato paste.

And finally, get a blender / food processor and blend the whole lot for a minute or 2 and then eat with rice and pappadoms.

Leker!

*William Burroughs does not endorse this recipe or the making of any type of pulse based meals.

Links to vegetables mentioned in this recipe

*old vegetable patch*

A link just for screenwriters Green Paddock Pictures: Comedy Scripts

© John Atwood 2006 - through to the end of time and also beyond that when our civilisation is gone and another one finds this page. Just because you're a dalek and you hate humans doesn't mean you can contrevene copyright restrictions (except if you're in Russia of course)! I don't care if you are a higher life form, you'll be hearing from my lawyers and they eat people like you for breakfast - whilst I eat dhal, but there you go, c'est la vie. And what's more all motion picture rights are reserved and if I see a film about how funny dhal can be and you've just read this thing that I wrote then... fade to black as the raving continues.

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